Posts Tagged ‘memories’

Today, I’m going to pretend I have superpowers! Not all of them, just a couple .. invisibility and teleportation. And I only have them for a day, so I have to make the most of them. There are many things I could do, and most of them aren’t so legal .. this one included. But if you come along with me, you’ll understand why.

After I am given the superpowers, I “come to” in a familiar yet surreal place that I haven’t been in over 7 years .. my son’s (Jay’s) father’s (Kyle) house. I’m in Kyle’s living room, and it’s looks almost the same as the last time I was there .. dark, cluttered/filthy, and full of smoke. The windows, TV screen, EVERYTHING is stained with nicotine. The carpet has never been vacuumed; the ashtray hasn’t been emptied in what seems like days, but Kyle and his mom (Beth) are chain smokers, so it was probably dumped when they woke up this morning. I notice the time: 7:59am.

I walk out of the tiny living room into the even darker hallway, and make a left into the much lighter, but just as cluttered kitchen. The walls still have the same aqua-ish paint, but now have a yellowish tinge. Actually, everything’s the same in here as well! The kitchen table, chairs, external pantry, fridge .. damn! But this is where I find Jay .. the first time I see him in over 4 years. I start to tear up. I want to hug and hold him, but I know he won’t feel me and it will just be weird. So I hop up and sit on the counter and watch him eat his bowl of Kix. When he’s done, he just leaves his bowl there (“wtf?!” I think, “has Kyle and them really not taught him to clean up after himself?”) and walks to his room, where I assume he’s going to change for school.

I follow him. While he opens the bedroom door, I am nervous about what I am going to see. When Kyle and I were together, I never saw the inside of this room. Kyle literally slept on the living room floor. Beth said Kyle destroyed that room so bad that she could barely open the door. Ugh, I cringe. I SO hope Jay’s room isn’t that bad .. but I hoped wrong. Kyle lives in there with him apparently, and more than half the mess I see is Kyle’s. I am furious; why is Kyle letting Jay live like this?! This isn’t fair to him at all. There’s a bunk bed in here, and it seems to me that Jay has the top bunk. Look, Kyle’s not a big guy .. a tall, scrawny thing. He could fit up there and be fine! I can’t believe he’s letting his own son sleep up there! I mean, yeah .. he’ll be 8 in less than a week, but that, in my opinion, is the minimum! But whatever, I’m not here to make decisions, unfortunately. But what’s really sad though is the fact that most of Kyle’s garbage is empty beer bottles, cans, and ashtrays .. I’m now more horrified than furious. I calm down once Jay gets into his school uniform; green polo, khakis, and black shoes .. he looks soo handsome! He then walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth (pssh, at least he can do that!) quickly (ugh, I spoke too soon) and fix his hair.

It’s now 8:08am, and Jay has to be at school at 8:30am. School’s right down the street, so Beth drives Jay to school since Kyle doesn’t have an license, even though he’s 30. When Kyle goes back into the kitchen to retrieve Jay’s bookbag and lunchbox, I notice the fridge is actually stocked with food! Milk, OJ ANDD apple, some Tupperware containers (looks like left overs .. pasta and red sauce, fried chicken, broccoli), lunch meat, madd condiments! What a miracle! And Kyle’s 12 pack isn’t empty and chillin! I laugh at myself. Before Jay, that fridge literally only had creamer in it .. MAYBE a beer from last night.

I follow the three of them downstairs, and Uncle Guy (he lives downstairs) is in the dark, dusty, but bare parlor watching the news. I glance around at everything, and it’s really the same exact way it’s always has been .. same furniture, same positions, same spookiness in the air. Seriously, I always thought that house was haunted. They all did. I want to check out the attic at some point today, but I’m NOT going up there alone, and I don’t know if Kyle still hangs out up there. That was the creepiest part of the house. Kyle and I tagged the hell out of out the parts that had dry wall (most of it was brick), and hung up out there soo many nights listening to music, smoking pot, and having sex .. ahh, the good all days.

I decide I want to stay; I can watch Jay at school later. Why the sudden change of mind? Kyle doesn’t go for the ride. I can sneak back upstairs with him when he’s done saying goodbye to Jay, and really mess with him. Like I said, the whole house (except maybe Jay .. I’ve never been able to ask him) knows the house is haunted, so yah. But Kyle is taking longer than I expected since Uncle Guy is BSing with him about what kind of yard work he needs Kyle to do over the next couple of days since spring has finally sprung.

Finally! After what seems like an hour, Kyle and I finally get back upstairs. I glance at the clock on the cable box; 8:21am .. wow, my timing’s way off for once. I’m hoping Beth doesn’t come home right away so I have some time to mess with Kyle, but I doubt it since she didn’t mention anything. But that’s okay, because I don’t mind fucking with her either .. the thing is though, I kind of want to do this in a way that Kyle might think it’s me messing with him. As for Beth, she’s almost never liked me, so I feel like she’ll even call the fuzz on a ghost, ha! I sit on the couch and glance at the TV playing close captioned Maury, while Kyle sits at the PC and browses through iTunes to find a good to start with. I suddenly remember Kyle likes to listen to music AND watch TV at the same time .. hence the reason why the CC is on. Perfect opportunity to mess with the music and put on some of “our songs”.

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So, whatcha think? I personally think I did an awesome fricken job! To be honest, I did want to go to school with Jay, but at the last moment I decided to stay home, even though school would’ve been a better place to do this certain assignment. But oh well. And hey, who knows? Maybe I’ll come back to this story at some point of my blogging career and go to school. Remember, I only have them for a day (24 hours, I guess), and it’s only been about an hour. Maybe once Writing 101 is over I can do this as a weekly thing .. what do you think?

Here’s some food for thought before I said goodbye .. If you were given the option to have up to 3 superpowers for 72 hours (3 days), what would you want them to be, and why?

Goodnight!

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YO, someone please tell me how i can merge 2 google plus accounts together? i don’t even know if y’all know what i mean by that, but i have a youtube account and a gmail account and that means 2 g+ pages and although it’s not that big of a deal now, it may be once this and my eventual vlog [hopefully] take off. whatever, i don’t really care anymore.

also, for some reason it wouldn’t let me make a link to grav3yardgirl’s youtube account on my post, so i just had to put her name. wtf wordpress! maybe instead of using the text tab for this post, i’ll use the other tab (i don’t know the exact name for it right now) [[LOOK, I DID IT!! I’M UNDER THE “VISUAL” TAB. THIS IS WHAT I’LL USE FROM NOW ON!]]

but hi, hello, how is the new year going for you?! 2015, whoa. this june, i’ll have known my son’s father for *10* years (but not really .. i’ll explain more about that in a later post). this october, i’ll have been out of high school for 10 years. 5 years ago this september was my first time EVER in new year city, which really kind of sucks because i literally live like an hour away from manhattan, and never been. oddly enough, it was 9/11/10 when i was there, and we didn’t even realize it was 9/11 that day until we noticed that the empire state building was glowing red, white, and blue and it his us. yah, i went up there with a friend vinny (we don’t talk anymore unfortunately), and we went to see his friend’s band play at some pretty large venue .. unfortunately i don’t remember the name of the band OR venue. but i did have fun and i learned that cabs up there are surprisingly cheap! well, compared to cabs in the trenton area, which cost almost $5 just for you to step in it! the only good thing about trenton cabs is that they’re max $10 in city limits, but that’s it .. city limits. i literally live less than a mile from city limits, and it’s like an extra $10 .. luckily i have a bus pass (yay for living on government handouts) so i don’t have to worry about that stuff. speaking of government handouts, i’ve applied for SSDI a few times in the past few years, but i’ve never really followed through. do any of you receive SSDI or SSI? can you give me any advice, tips, stories, etc. BESIDES getting a lawyer? i know i’ll probably have to get one at some point, but still. to be honest, i would rather work, but i have alot of mental health and substance issues i need to work out before i can start working full time, and yeah. that’s another post that’s not for today.

i want to apologize for not writing yesterday. i literally slept for like 28 hours straight .. well not exactly. i went to bed around 10:30am on 1/1, and slept on and off until about 2:30pm today when i was like fml i really need to get up and start writing for my plethora of fans lol .. i was actually pleasantly surprised when i looked at my phone i had a notification stating that 5 people liked my previous post! like super happy! shit, even one would have made my day! so that must mean i’m doing something right, RIGHT?! i kind of wish that i received a comment or two, but i’m not worried about that, because i know at least one person took a moment out of their day to read my thoughts. I LOVE YOU GUYS! IF I REMEMBER, I WILL LINK YOU GUYS TO THIS POST AND GIVE CREDIT WERE CREDIT IS DUE. [[I REMEMBERED!!! THANK YOU orwell1627, suzie81speaks, etwong212, aliceearly, and emmasiv!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!]]

i don’t know if i mentioned this in my previous post (brb lemme look =]) (i didn’t; k good), but i really thought i was going to spend NYE alone which was kind of depressing because it’s my favorite holiday! but i mentally prepared myself to be alone. well around 8pm, i randomly messaged my friend kev (i’m going to write a post specifically for all of the people i talk about on here and regularly update it, so stay tuned) on FB because even though i was prepared to spend the night alone, i figured he might not be mad at me anymore (we had a fight/thing on xmas eve because i invited him, sabrina (his gf), and earl (a guy who lives with them) and then uninvited them because my dad said no) and we could hang out. so i went to his house and chilled and it was fun. luckily their friend charlie was there and was able to take me home .. so he did around 2? when i came home i started writing this entry, even though you haven’t read ANYTHING of what i wrote that night because it’s all below .. or in a different post entirely! basically what i wrote were #1 ideas to talk about for this post/to research #2 a few paragraphs for this entry #3 links to those 30 day challenge things. speaking of the 30 day challenges .. man, i didn’t even post yesterday! so now i have to wait til next month .. not! i’ll probably start tonight. but like i said, there’s LINKS. i found SO many things on pintrest (see below) that i went pintrest crazy .. literally i was on there for like 3 hours just pinning stuff. and now i have to pick just ONE challenge? NOOOOOOO!! but i think i will just start with one, because obviously i sleep for days and don’t want to promise something i can’t keep.

speaking of sleeping for days and mental illness, i’ve finally admitted to myself that i don’t have “situational” depression and that i have “legit” depression. seriously, i don’t want to get off the couch for anything, and if i had a real bed i’d probably sleep alot longer than i do now. real bed, you ask? well when i moved back into my dad’s house (another post for another day .. it’ll be titled “my current situation” or something along those lines) he told me i can sleep on the world’s most uncomfortable futon .. like it’s too skinny to sleep when it’s in couch mode, and when it’s in mattress mode it’s got two really uncomfortable bars that go in a little t/cross shape that are just so annoying and i literally have like 2 feet between the wall and the bar to sleep in. and it’s not like a regular futon that comes with the couch and you put a big ol futon mattress on top .. it looks like this:

Delancey_Modern_Convertible_Futon_Couch_Sleeper_Black

but yeah, i slept on it for like a week; fuck that. the only time i do sleep in it is when kev stays over because yeah lol. plus it’s much less uncomfortable then. so i sleep on my couch which is pretty fucking awesome because it reclines to almost 180°. ha! i can’t believe i still remember ALT+0176 .. it was the one i used the most. but yeah, all i really do is sleep. i have no motivation to do ANYTHING. it’s even a struggle to pick up my methadone (another day post) everyday. speaking of methadone, the other night i was asking kev, earl, and charlie for their input and suggestions for the name of this blog. earl kept telling me to use junkie related words, and i had to keep explaining to him that i want this blog to be pg13ish .. like i want everyone to be able to read this .. well not everyone? i don’t know, i want to have fans of all different ages. plus, if my blog was called “heroin chic” (pronounced sheek, not chick!! i hate when people pronounce chic wrong!!) or “#junkielife”, it probably wouldn’t be appropriate for people under 18 JUST BECAUSE of the name. besides, with the name like a that, (hey, do you guys think i use commas way too much? let me know! i need to learn how to use commas more appropriately, don’t i?), you would assume that all i’d be talking about is getting high and stuff, right? and that’s not what i want my blog to be about. besides, i barely get high anymore (methadone, god’s greatest gift to the junkies =]), so it’d be pointless anyway. so yeah, “no motivation to do anything” .. like i go to PHP (stands for “partial hospitalization” .. it’s basically like IOP (intensive out patient), except it’s longer each day and you’re there more often each week) at my methadone clinic, but it sucks because #1 most of the people there are for drug court/there involuntary, so it’s usually them just bitching about how their supposed to be there instead of talking about the topic of the group, which #2 there really isn’t even one anyway, which really sucks because they do have a few process groups each week, but most of the time each groups turns out to be a process group! ugh, so annoying. i’m on medicaid, so it’s really hard to find someone i can have MENTAL HEALTH ONLY 1 on 1 counseling with .. i’m on a waiting list in SO many places. it’s also really hard to find a PHP/IOP place .. once again, waiting lists. ugh! so i want to focus on mental health and substance abuse issues before i go back to work. also, back in october i filed a financial appeal with my local community college .. long story short (maybe a longer story another day) back in 2008 i lost my financial aid because i kept fucking up in school, and they wouldn’t reinstate until #1 i pay out of pocket for one semester or #2 i submit an appeal. unfortunately they denied the appeal and it made me even more unmotivated because i REALLY NEED to go back .. i have legit plans! i want to go community college and get my associates in communications, then transfer to rutgers and get my bachelors in communication with a specialization in health and wellness and relationships and families (whoa, alot of “ands” lol). then possibly get my masters in public health, social work, and/or counseling! alot of goals .. ruined because i’m cheap lol. i COULD go to a different community college or try TESC (thomas edison state college; an online school for adults .. much more legit [and cheaper!] than u of phoenix, etc.), get my associates, then go to rutgers .. but we’ll see. blah, and if i go back to work full time, i’ll lose my methadone grant and my medicaid. plus i won’t be able to go to PHP anymore. i COULD work part time, but #1 it’s SO hard to find a part time job in an office for a temp agency (where i’d like to work). i wouldn’t mind working in retail for like 15-20 hours a week since most stores pay SHIT but #2 99.999999% of stores are hiring right now since the season is over. #3 i am too clumsy and i can’t multitask for shit, so working in a restaurant (well, at least as a server) is out of the question, and i almost refuse to work in fast food .. NOT because “i’m better than that”, but because i have adult acne which is FINALLY under control (yay for 10% benzoyl peroxide products!), and working around grease would be a big no no!. wow, this paragraph is terribly long, and this post is already “too long” and i’m not even done yet!! ahh!!

well, i’m almost done. unfortunately i’m not gonna post most of what i wanted to that i wrote in my ideas section at the top of this notepad file .. notepad is my favorite; i don’t care. i’m sure once i really get this blog up and running i’ll start writing my actual posts in word, but until then notepad is fine. oh, and i say word because i’m just going to copy and paste .. but as you can see this post has no capitalization in it what so ever. and writing in word will make it easier to write properly. i have no worries about spell check because my browser comes with spell check so i just spell check my posts before i post them! yeah, i have no idea why i write in lower case only .. it’s just my style, i guess. DEAL WITH IT! lol .. well here ya go: the following paragraphs are what i wrote on NYE after i came home from kev’s, but never posted until now. stuff that [[LOOKS LIKE THIS]] are little notes i made NOW, today after re-reading these paragraphs .. does that make sense?

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well, i think that i’m gonna try to do about 2-3 posts a day .. how does that sound? it depends? yeah, you’re right, i should explain more before you tell me how awesome or lame that sounds. okay, so .. first i want a “normal” journal post, like how my day went and stuff. thoughts and rants/raves. basically, the whole reason why i started my journal blog thing (i should start calling it my jlog, or bournal. biary? lol nah, too close to “binary”. but both sound cute =} lol .. nah, can’t be bournal either, cos that sounds too much like “boring” and i don’t want to be boring! even though i probably am because i just keep going off track with my “too long” posts! ah whatever, journal blog thing it is!) was for “therapeutic” reasons .. hence the name *Th0uGhTs g0nE aWrY* <~~ ha! remember back in the day (like late 90’s – early 00’s) when it was either really cute or really annoying to write like that? [[<~~ WELL OBVIOUSLY I ALREADY DID ALL OF THIS FOR TODAY BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THIS POST IS]] ANYWAYS! after i post my awry thoughts, i’ll post at least one prompt (you know, like a 30 day challenge thing of that nature). how many is too much? if i could, i’d post like 38349873290 a day lol .. not really. could you recommend any good prompt/30 day challenge/etc. sites i can check out? until then, here’s a link to my pintrest… add me!

thank you pintrest for helping me find the perfect prompts! i actually just made a pintrest a few days ago after many months of “uh, fuck that”, even though i didn’t really know exactly what the site was all about and stuff. now that i know, i kinda know why i didn’t really want to make one .. because it’s basically like a website for your favorite places (or bookmarks as they’re called now)! except you’re sharing them with the world! cool, i guess? to be honest, i only made an account because it was starting to get really annoying every single time i’d go to pintrest.com, because when i did i’d get one of those big ol in screen pop ups telling me to sign up for pintrest.com. WELL, YA GUYS GOT ME .. AND I’M ACTUALLY KINDA HAPPY ABOUT IT! THANKS AGAIN! so, it’s 5:11am, and i’m off to find some good prompts and challenges and stuff that i can use for this month. i’ll write more later this evening after i wake up .. yeah, fuck my sleep schedule. hard. with a pineapple up the virgin butthole of a heterosexual 18 year old boy. okay ewlk, that’s [[REALLY!! OMG]] fucked up .. i want readers of all ages, and although i will curse on here, language like that will be rare, i promise! please, don’t hate me and stop reading forever! i’ll make it up to you, i promise that too =D

YA KNOW WHAT?! after going through pintrest and seeing MADD pins on blogging .. why am i stressing about content for my blog? i mean yeah, i’m doing this #1 for therapeutic reasons #2 for your pleasure (like i said a million times before) .. but as you can see, #1 is first. yes, you are important! but to be honest (and selfish) i come before anyone else. agree? why [not]? i must have literally pinned over 100 things!! [[AS OF TODAY, 1/2/15, I HAVE 8 BOARDS IN WHICH I’VE PINNED 155 THINGS IN TOTAL, I’VE LIKED 14 THINGS, I DON’T HAVE ANY FOLLOWERS (YET! FOLLOW ME! /blo0dchild!), AND I’M FOLLOWING 189 INTERESTS, PINNERS (INCLUDING PEOPLE THAT AUTOMATICALLY CAME FROM MY FB), AND BOARDS]]

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oh yeah, since i want to make this an interactive blog, i am going to highlight the questions i want you guys to answer in a different color! that way, it’ll be easier for you to go back and find them if you want to be the best person ever and help us out on making my idea come to life =]

ahh, speaking of pintrest .. can you tell me how i can edit my following interests? i’m sure there’s a way, i just can’t find it right now.

also speaking of pintrest .. yo, i’ve found SO many ideas! like, i’m not creative AT all and there are soo many things here i want to do, like start an art journal? and what’s the difference between an art journal, a smash book .. all of those cool things? i want to try everyone! alas, i am broke .. and i all i have are markers and some crayons =/ but that’s better than nothing, right? blah. i’m not artsy at all anyway .. but i’m thinking maybe by starting one, it’ll help me get more artsy. OH, i’m about to get a “wreck this journal” which seems REALLY FUCKING AWESOME, so let’s consider that my first art journal. grav3yardgirl actually introduced me to wreck this journal. and it seemed SO cool that i only watched the first few minutes of her first “wreck this wednesdays” post because i really want to do one, and she mentioned that she did some “research” and stuff and it made her compare to other peoples stuff and i’m glad i didn’t do that because then i’ll want to do what other people did and then it wouldn’t be as unique as it should be! so i stopped watching the video. that’s actually one of the things i’d like to vlog about, and of course name it “wreck this wednesdays” because why not, i’m not copying her too bad, right? besides, it just goes together.

oh, i kind of lied up there when i said “WELL, OBVIOUSLY I ALREADY DID ALL OF THIS FOR TODAY…” because obviously i didn’t! i talked about yesterday and NYE. next post will be on today and stuff. this post is WAYYYY “too long”, don’t you agree? seriously, tell me .. is this post too too “too long”? if you actually read this far (bless your kind, kind soul <3) .. tell me, what is “too long” for you? can you tell me what i can do to make my posts shorter, more fun, more entertaining, etc? I NEED YOUR HELP GUYS! i know most of y’all have alot more experience than me, and it would be greatly appreciated if you can help me become as successful as you are .. that’s all i really want in life [right now].

okay, i think that’s all i have to say for right now. i’m gonna come up with a title, paste this into wordpress, do a little editing, post it, then start on my post that has to do with this! until next time y’all…

PS – do i use wayy too many tags? i don’t know if i’m doing it more for you, me, or both equally. hmm..