Posts Tagged ‘kyle’

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Before I begin, I want to say that I WANTED to start on this assignment a little before 8pm. I mean, it’s that time right now, but as my dad and I were discussing take out, his girlfriend called, and now’s he going to be chatting for god knows how long .. then we have to order, wait, and eat, and I want to do all of that BEFORE I sit down and write this .. damnit. So I hope he hurrys up, because it seems like this is kind of going to be like Monday’s assignment.


I like how I wrote that before I finished reading the whole assignment. One of the rules is not to worry about spelling, puncuation, grammar, etc. Fuck man! And i’ve already backspaced a few times on this, oops lol. I just don’t wanna look like a dumbass, especially with spellcheck. I will admit to you though, I really don’t lnow how to spell recieve .. so I always do the I before e, ohh well. I thin I’ll just look at my keyboard while I’ write this, it’ll be easier to mess up … not mess up messing up lol.

So besides all that, today I’m supposed to write about the 3 most imporatant sons in my life, and what they mean to me. Shit man, I barely even listen to music any .. now a days. isn’t that sad? I mean, I don’t have a car, so I can’t listen to the radio. And I barely talk to anyone so there’s that on people tellingme about new music. And I just don’t seek it out. So yeah. My Spotify p[layist is ~240 songs, and I don’t even have all the ones I want because I have a stupid iPhone, so I have to listen to music like that instead of illegally downloading usic through mp3 music downloader on my android =P.

But the first soong tha t came to mind was “I Remeber You” By Skid Row? Watch me be wrong and it’ll be by Guns N Roses .. I’m not supposed to Google it eaither, fuck. But I pick that because that’s one of Kyle and I’s songs .. don’t ask me why, he just randomly said that one day, that it just reminded him of us. Uh, kay. So whenever I hear it I think of him. And my old life. And how i fucked up my life. And then turned in to a junkie. And now I’m here, no longer a junkie, but yet I’m not doing what I’m suppposed to do to see my son, who’ll be 8 on Sunday who’s having a bday party I can’t go to because of my craziness. But my dad gets to go top the part .. I hope he takes lots of pix!! But ya, what I’m required to do requires health insurance, and although I have pretty good insurance (Medicaid), I’m on a waiting list to get into a place and I just have to wait to get the help I nee d so I can see him again .. oh well.. on day. And it’ll be so worth it.

Speaking os soungs that remind me of Jay, ugh I mean Kyle .. Fixxxer by Metallica. Now, this song reminds me our of relationship and just what happend. I cna yused to not even able ato listen to this song, but now I can. And it’s fun to sing along to. I guess time does heal all.

Ughm this is gonna be soo hard for yall to read! Remember live journal.? How they used to have “ljcuts”, and you’d have to click a link to read the whole thing? I want to kidna do that with this post .. or maybe make a ghost post? Basically, I want to put a readble version of this entry post after this horrible version of this post .. iuno. Remeber people, I’m only doing this because that’s what I’m supposed to do! Yeah, I do like an idiot for not really beingable to spell, and I DO know how rto spell its just sometiemes i have to backspace .. like rmember remember i CAN spell it it’s just sometimes my hands are goings to fast .. well my fingers.

I guess I need to pick a last song. I think I want to pick Moment 4 Life by Nicki Minaj. I have no totally reason , I guess I ‘m picking it becaus e that song came out in 2010, and that was just a pretty good year for me. I had a car (so I heard the song on the radio all the time), an awesome job, friends, and awesome guy (well for most oft the year, and h e was almost i mean awsome for the most part), .. that was the last year i was really truely happy before i started using heroin (spring 2011).

Alright, I was asked to write for 15 minutes, and as of know I wrote 18. Thank god, cos the whole “free rwriting ” .. damn I just can’t. Wleell, I can… it’s just the whole spelling and stuff thing! Ack! lol wtf is an ack, i knevr use that word.

So Let me know if you’d appreciate and edited and readable post. Actually, were you able to read this without have ing to look at something a million times lol? PS – the only thing I “edited” in this whole post was bolding my questions for you because I do that in every post.

I’m off to do what I do after my posts ..

I wasn’t supposed to , but I glanced at the assignemet again, an d it said that’ I’m supposed to commit to amount of time i’m supposed to well going to write it each day and that’s why they recommond each day. fuck man! i don’t want to commit for just 15 minutes, but let’s just say today i did. i want to commit to at least 30 minutes a day. that doesn’t sound to hard, and to be honest i probably would hace continues to write if i didn’t have to look like an idiot. and as of right now, i’ve been wirting for 24 minutes so 6 to go lol. plus i have to think of a title and tags still. so 30 minutes seems fine. go me!

actually i really only glanced at the assignment cos i had to because it was open on my screen and i had to open a new tab to get to wordpress =P

Oh! PS! i didn’t get to sit down to start writing this til 10 after 10. right after my dad decideed to order food, i mean right after my dad ordered food, he dsaid he was out of scotch, so i decided to volunteer to walk to the liqour store and get him some if he bought my a pack of smokes so he said okay. and the liaoqour store is only like, 8 blocks away. so i went up there and got his stuff then i wanlked back this way to ge t this smokes. i used the change to get $7 worth of scratch offs .. so i got 3 $1 ones and 2 $2 bingso. no wins on the $1 ones, but we onwon at least $2 each on the bingos, yay. it took about 30 minutes well a litle but more for me to walk but of course the video lol what? video! i’m dumb, see lol .. i mean FOOD was there. i got myself a margherita pizza and it was delicious .. delicioso as i liek to ssay .. procnounce dell lish e oh so … lol k done

PSS – i just googled who i remember you is by .. thank god i was right =D

Today, I’m going to pretend I have superpowers! Not all of them, just a couple .. invisibility and teleportation. And I only have them for a day, so I have to make the most of them. There are many things I could do, and most of them aren’t so legal .. this one included. But if you come along with me, you’ll understand why.

After I am given the superpowers, I “come to” in a familiar yet surreal place that I haven’t been in over 7 years .. my son’s (Jay’s) father’s (Kyle) house. I’m in Kyle’s living room, and it’s looks almost the same as the last time I was there .. dark, cluttered/filthy, and full of smoke. The windows, TV screen, EVERYTHING is stained with nicotine. The carpet has never been vacuumed; the ashtray hasn’t been emptied in what seems like days, but Kyle and his mom (Beth) are chain smokers, so it was probably dumped when they woke up this morning. I notice the time: 7:59am.

I walk out of the tiny living room into the even darker hallway, and make a left into the much lighter, but just as cluttered kitchen. The walls still have the same aqua-ish paint, but now have a yellowish tinge. Actually, everything’s the same in here as well! The kitchen table, chairs, external pantry, fridge .. damn! But this is where I find Jay .. the first time I see him in over 4 years. I start to tear up. I want to hug and hold him, but I know he won’t feel me and it will just be weird. So I hop up and sit on the counter and watch him eat his bowl of Kix. When he’s done, he just leaves his bowl there (“wtf?!” I think, “has Kyle and them really not taught him to clean up after himself?”) and walks to his room, where I assume he’s going to change for school.

I follow him. While he opens the bedroom door, I am nervous about what I am going to see. When Kyle and I were together, I never saw the inside of this room. Kyle literally slept on the living room floor. Beth said Kyle destroyed that room so bad that she could barely open the door. Ugh, I cringe. I SO hope Jay’s room isn’t that bad .. but I hoped wrong. Kyle lives in there with him apparently, and more than half the mess I see is Kyle’s. I am furious; why is Kyle letting Jay live like this?! This isn’t fair to him at all. There’s a bunk bed in here, and it seems to me that Jay has the top bunk. Look, Kyle’s not a big guy .. a tall, scrawny thing. He could fit up there and be fine! I can’t believe he’s letting his own son sleep up there! I mean, yeah .. he’ll be 8 in less than a week, but that, in my opinion, is the minimum! But whatever, I’m not here to make decisions, unfortunately. But what’s really sad though is the fact that most of Kyle’s garbage is empty beer bottles, cans, and ashtrays .. I’m now more horrified than furious. I calm down once Jay gets into his school uniform; green polo, khakis, and black shoes .. he looks soo handsome! He then walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth (pssh, at least he can do that!) quickly (ugh, I spoke too soon) and fix his hair.

It’s now 8:08am, and Jay has to be at school at 8:30am. School’s right down the street, so Beth drives Jay to school since Kyle doesn’t have an license, even though he’s 30. When Kyle goes back into the kitchen to retrieve Jay’s bookbag and lunchbox, I notice the fridge is actually stocked with food! Milk, OJ ANDD apple, some Tupperware containers (looks like left overs .. pasta and red sauce, fried chicken, broccoli), lunch meat, madd condiments! What a miracle! And Kyle’s 12 pack isn’t empty and chillin! I laugh at myself. Before Jay, that fridge literally only had creamer in it .. MAYBE a beer from last night.

I follow the three of them downstairs, and Uncle Guy (he lives downstairs) is in the dark, dusty, but bare parlor watching the news. I glance around at everything, and it’s really the same exact way it’s always has been .. same furniture, same positions, same spookiness in the air. Seriously, I always thought that house was haunted. They all did. I want to check out the attic at some point today, but I’m NOT going up there alone, and I don’t know if Kyle still hangs out up there. That was the creepiest part of the house. Kyle and I tagged the hell out of out the parts that had dry wall (most of it was brick), and hung up out there soo many nights listening to music, smoking pot, and having sex .. ahh, the good all days.

I decide I want to stay; I can watch Jay at school later. Why the sudden change of mind? Kyle doesn’t go for the ride. I can sneak back upstairs with him when he’s done saying goodbye to Jay, and really mess with him. Like I said, the whole house (except maybe Jay .. I’ve never been able to ask him) knows the house is haunted, so yah. But Kyle is taking longer than I expected since Uncle Guy is BSing with him about what kind of yard work he needs Kyle to do over the next couple of days since spring has finally sprung.

Finally! After what seems like an hour, Kyle and I finally get back upstairs. I glance at the clock on the cable box; 8:21am .. wow, my timing’s way off for once. I’m hoping Beth doesn’t come home right away so I have some time to mess with Kyle, but I doubt it since she didn’t mention anything. But that’s okay, because I don’t mind fucking with her either .. the thing is though, I kind of want to do this in a way that Kyle might think it’s me messing with him. As for Beth, she’s almost never liked me, so I feel like she’ll even call the fuzz on a ghost, ha! I sit on the couch and glance at the TV playing close captioned Maury, while Kyle sits at the PC and browses through iTunes to find a good to start with. I suddenly remember Kyle likes to listen to music AND watch TV at the same time .. hence the reason why the CC is on. Perfect opportunity to mess with the music and put on some of “our songs”.


So, whatcha think? I personally think I did an awesome fricken job! To be honest, I did want to go to school with Jay, but at the last moment I decided to stay home, even though school would’ve been a better place to do this certain assignment. But oh well. And hey, who knows? Maybe I’ll come back to this story at some point of my blogging career and go to school. Remember, I only have them for a day (24 hours, I guess), and it’s only been about an hour. Maybe once Writing 101 is over I can do this as a weekly thing .. what do you think?

Here’s some food for thought before I said goodbye .. If you were given the option to have up to 3 superpowers for 72 hours (3 days), what would you want them to be, and why?



What’s up, y’all?! Another post so soon?! YES. Here is the *FIRST* post for my ~5 YEAR CHALLENGE~; ARE YOU EXCITED?? I am. Damn, a lot of caps lock tonight!

Okay, before I start .. I’d like to ONCE AGAIN let all of you wonderful people know a little more about this particular 5 year journal challenge, and give credit where credit is due. okay, so. the 5 year challenge I’m going to use is according to April from Cup of Delight, although she actually got the idea from Tami Taylor on get it SCRAPPED. I don’t think their are any rules so that’s good, but April and Tami and probably most of the other people who did this challenge did it in a scrapbook, etc. well, I’m not .. at least for the first year. [UGH I JUST GAVE MYSELF A CHARLIE HORSE IN BOTH OF MY LEGS AT THE SAME TIME UGH FML FML!!!] Okay hi I’m back =] yeah, so when I said “at least for the first year” .. as you may have read in my previous post, I’m interested in making an art journal or something of that nature at some point in my life, even though I have NO artistic abilities [that I know of]. oh, and it’s already the 3rd of January, I’m going to do 1, 2, and 3 in this post. alright, alright .. on to the challenge!

5 Year Challenge - January Questions

5 Year Challenge – January Questions

  1. What is my #1 goal of this year?

My #1 goal of 2014 is to see my son, Jay, in real life .. not just randomly, and not just once; I want to get a legit visitation schedule in place that #1 doesn’t lapse, #2 his dad, Kyle, and Kyle’s mom, Beth, abide by, #3 leads to more visitation, which ultimately leads to joint custody. I haven’t seen Jay in over 4 years .. last time being 11/10, when he was 3.5 years old (he’s now 7.66 [lol] years old). Long story short .. Kyle got a restraining order on me in 7/08 (they are permanent [forever] in NJ), and I had supervised visitation from 11/08 – 11/10. Then I stopped seeing him due to a lapse (not sure exactly how to explain this, but it’s basically when a visitation order ends, but a new order hasn’t been placed yet), and next time we went to court Kyle’s lawyer said I was “too crazy” to see Jay and pointed out several things in a psych eval I had back in 4/10 (but failed to point out that the eval also stated that it would be in both Jay and I’s best interest to continue visitation). I never had a lawyer so I was never really allowed to defend myself, so the judge said I had to “complete psychotherapy with a licensed psychologist” before I could see him again. Because my health insurance was (and still kind of is) shit, that wasn’t possible. Then I started using hard drugs and lost everything (a post for another day) (including my motivation). Luckily I am slowly be surely bringing my life together, and I am “kind of” in therapy .. when I say kind of, I mean that I’m basically in group counseling, plus I see a substance abuse counselor every week. Although it’s technically not enough for the courts (or me to be honest), it’s something for now [I just noticed I’m typing properly in this post, awesome]. And like I’ve stated in a previous post, I have Medicaid, so I can’t even really find a “licensed psychologist”. At least I’m on a few waiting lists for legit mental health places (I would use the word “clinic”, but they’re better than clinics. Facilities?) =] BUT YEAH, back to the visitation thing .. so once I’ve got some legit therapy and at least a few months of completely clean drug tests (luckily that was never an issue in family court), I’ll file for visitation. If I STILL get denied, I guess I’ll have to DYFS (basically child protective services) to help me do what I need to do .. the courts can’t say no to what DYFS says yes to, so yay for that.

  1. What am I most grateful for?

As of right now, I’ll say I’m most grateful for methadone. More specifically, NJ’s Division of Mental Health and Addiction Services, who provides the MATI (I don’t know what the acronym means, sorry) grant, which helps un or under insured junkies, like myself, get access to methadone and substance abuse services for free or a low fee (free for me!). It sounds kind of stupid, but that shit has REALLY helped me get away from the #junkielife (lol I have no idea why I hashtag it, I just always have for some reason) and heroin. I wasn’t on heroin for THAT long (on and off since Spring 2011), but still .. I literally lost like EVERYTHING: my awesome career-like job that I got through a temp agency, my awesome place to live (I rented a room (technically the master suite; I had my own bedroom, bathroom, living area, loft, and staircase, yo!) in a beautiful Victorian house on the border of the Chambersburg and Section sections (lol, yes; this particular section of Trenton is legit called “the Section”) of Trenton, NJ), my friends and family, most of my values and morals … UGH. But, as stated above, life is slowly but surely coming back together. Oh, and you may think I’m weak for being on methadone .. but I really don’t give a damn! Methadone, Suboxone/Subutex, Vivitrol, etc. .. all of them, in my opinion, are fricken wonder drugs, dude. If we didn’t have them, imagine how worse the opiate/opioid epidemic in not only NJ and the region, but the WORLD would be if we didn’t have this stuff! I’m not sure if you’d consider yourself and addict, but if you don’t (and even if you do!), staying off drugs is MUCH easier said than done (and just simply getting off them is the easy part). That’s why, in my opinion, these drugs are lifesavers. Most, if not all addicts are weak, and having these help prevent relapse. To be honest, in my opinion, if the use of these drugs for maintenance reasons wasn’t as taboo as they are, there wouldn’t be as much relapse as there is now. What do you think? But yeah .. if I didn’t have methadone, I’d still be out there, getting worse and worse each day.

  1. Am I content?

At this exact moment? Meh, I guess I’m content. I’m kind of hungry (that hungry feeling you get after smoking too many cigarettes), and I plan on making a couple bagels as soon as I’m doing writing, editing, and posting this. I’m kind of cold, but I can’t really help that .. well I can, but I don’t want to be bitched at for a spike in the PSEG bill. My back hurts because the way I’m sitting, the type of desk I’m sitting at, and the chair. With life? Not really, no, I’m not that content. I mean, you should know that by now just by reading my first two answers, let alone my first two posts. Kinda sad, right? Meh, I’m used to it. Need I say more? I guess I can tell you a few more of my goals .. well my short term goals. Start therapy, find a part time job, enroll in school, not relapse, get out of this depression .. *shrug*. I know eventually I’ll be okay, but I want that to be now! Oh well .. I’m really kind of disappointed in the fact that I really can’t think of anything else to add to this particular question. Damn, yo =/

Well, that’s it! I hope you enjoyed learning a little more about me =] Yo, I really was planning on doing the whole 30 Day Drawing Challenge by searching DeviantArt, but it’s already 3:49am, and I still have to edit this post and submit it. Then I wanted to eat. Plus I have to be up early to go dose (get my methadone .. on Saturdays I go to the clinic and dose for Saturday and get a “take home bottle” for Sunday since they’re closed .. I’ll explain better a different time) since they’re only open until 10:30AMish. Ah well, I’ll post later. Goodnight -.-zZz

PS – I’m always going to say something like “as I’ve stated in a previous post” in almost every post I submit. Unfortunately, I’m probably not going to link that post with that line .. why? Because more than likely I’m going to say this more than once in a post, and so basically I’m linking you to the same “previous post” like 5 different times in the current post, especially since I only have a few posts as of right now. Do you think I should I do it anyway? Let me know! I actually ended up doing it for this post, woo.