Hey everyone! Happy April! I’ve been around, but not WordPress, unfortunately. I feel like a dick for never writing, and when I do, I say I’m gonna start back up again, but never do. Ugh! If I had just followed through when I got my PC back .. but nooo, I decided I wanted to be lazy. But I still continued to do research and such on blogging and how to be successful in this and so on and so forth.

I really need to get back into the swing of things though, especially now. I say that because on Monday I received my very first VoxBox from Influenster, yay! Don’t know much about Influenster, VoxBoxes, and all that jazz? Well basically, Influenster is a website that you join and write reviews, ask questions, hook up your social media accounts, etc. Sometimes the send you VoxBoxes, which is basically stuff sent to you to review on your social media websites. The more of a following you have, and the better you do, the more products you’ll receive to review. Cool, eh? I think I explained it right =P and if you want to know more, or sign up! Just click here, please (it’s a my referral link). Or, you can check out my badge, will I’ll be posting sometime tonight. But ya, since I received this VoxBox, I feel like it’s an awesome time for me to hopefully start writing in here again, especially if I’m gonna be doing reviews for these guys! Oh, and also because I signed up for Writing 101, ha! I probably should have finished Blogging 101 first, but fuck it .. Blogging will come around again. And it’s still by The Daily Post, so it’ll be good. I just hope it’s not TOOOOO challenging. But maybe it’ll also help me learn how to write better (ha) .. as in not always the words “but”, “oh, and…”, etc.

But ya .. what’s been going on with me the past couple months? Psssh, not shit! It sucks! No luck in finding a job (although I’m not looking hard enough), and still no motivation to do anything.  Well .. I have a little more motivation than before, but still. I started taking my thyroid medication, but not everyday. Not sure if I explained this before, but I’m supposed to take it everyday “an hour before breakfast”. I’m kind of nocturnal, so I go to bed anywhere between 2-5am, and wake up between 1-4pm .. yeah, I sleep a long time. But when I wake up, I want to eat! I can’t wait. So I put an alarm on my phone which wakes me up at 9am telling me to take it .. but 3/4 of the time I just turn it off. And that 1/4 I do want to take it, 1/2 the time I don’t even have water by me, and I’m not beat for going downstairs to get some. But the other half I remember to bring water up. Oh, and speaking of not working .. I’ve been planning on going to a few temp agencies in the next week or two to update my resume (I’ve worked with all the ones I’m planning on going to). And April has always been a good month for me to find work. SOO, wish me luck. I definitely need it.Tired of being a bum on my couch .. and speaking of couch! I finally got a real bed! Apparently it came from my dad’s girlfriend’s sister’s house. It’s just a twin, wahh. But it works. It’s comfyish. I still can’t sleep on my stomach though due to my back issues which sucks because I like to, but when I do I wake up in SOO much pain and can’t move. But yeah, it also came with 2 little dressers and 2 end tables .. none match, but who cares. I need to clean up there, but again .. laziness. And my sister needs to help cos of the shit is her clothes .. I told her if it’s not put away by the time I get around to cleaning up and organizing up there, I’m stuffing it all into a closest . Which wouldn’t be too bad on her part, but she loves to whine. I just want it to look not like a mess. Especially since once I start working and paying rent, it’s legit going to be mine.

Hmm, what else is new? I made 2 vlogs lol. Check em out below. They suck though. I’m not talking about anything interesting (well, maybe. and it was interesting to me), the lighting isn’t great, etc. etc. And it was recording on the front/screen camera of an iPhone 4. I haven’t made anymore though cos I ended up dropping my phone in the toilet =X like, a month ago. Luckily it survived, but the sound doesn’t work on my phone anymore except the ringer when people call .. no texts, alerts, music, or videos. Blah. Plus my microphone was shit before, that’s why I’m kinda screaming in my videos. So I don’t know if it works at all now; I doubt it. I was hoping my phone did totally break though, cos then that’d mean I’d probably get a new phone. Which I can’t get even though my line is eligible for an upgrade because my dad doesn’t wanna renew my contract since I haven’t paid him for my line in over a year. But once I get a job and start paying rent and the bill I can get a new phone .. definitely you gonna get a Galaxy or a Note! Fuck an iPhone!

Well, I think that’s all I have to talk about tonight. Here’s my question for y’all .. What keeps you motivated to keep on blogging? Where do you come up ideas on what to blog about? Any tips, advice, etc. you’re willing to offer?

Thanks for reading .. I hope y’all stay tuned. I WILL be back, even if it’s just for my VoxBox reviews =P Night!

PS – You’ll learn more about this first VoxBox in one of my next posts.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GndoNCdiolk


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmRhta9w1WI

Hey! Long time, no write! Sorry about that, guys. I finally got the computer back (hopefully for good) last Friday (I actually got it back because I told my dad I wouldn’t clean unless I had music, and I need the PC to listen), but I’ve just been kinda unmotivated. But here I am .. hopefully I have the motivation to get back up and running again! It’s almost March, and I still have to finish Blogging 101! But I guess I might as well “start over” on the 5 Year Challenge .. but when I say “start over”, I mean I’ll post what I had wrote for a few days in January, and then start off fresh on March 1. So let me get started .. but first, I want to end on a funny note .. I posted this on FB last night; the person I’m talking about is my dad (duh, of course!):

smh i just got bitched at because somehow bleach got on a washcloth .. possibly because my face soap is 10% benzyl peroxide which may lighten fabric, skin, hair, etc. and now because someone i live with refuses to use said washcloth because it looks “scummy” because it’s “discolored” aka has a bleach stain … lmfao how uptight can one be. and this is coming from the person who HAS to use either color safe bleach or regular bleach (depending on color of clothes) in their wash!!! so basically this person is saying that since the wash cloth is extra clean it is scummy. WRAP YOUR BRAIN AROUND THAT ONE GUYS!!

Stupid, right? Ugh! Oh, and before I go .. I FINALLY got around to saving the +1,500 pix/vid on my phone to the PC so I can delete them .. seriously ~75% of my phone’s space was that BS it was SO slow I couldn’t download apps, the updates, take pix/vid, etc. .. now that my phone is up to date, I can take pix/vid, and I finally have all the apps I need AND want again, yay! So, here’s an updated picture of me! I took this on Monday when I came home from an interview (I didn’t get the job .. yet). Yep, I finally got my hair cut! And I dyed my “bangs” Paul Mitchell Purple and Color Jamz Bubblehead Pink a few weeks ago. Caption: 2/15 Me looking cute with my matching hair/shirt combo thing tongue emoticon and OMGISH yes I’m wearing makeup AHHH.

QUESTION: DO YOU GUYS THINK I PUT WAYYYY TOO MANY TAGS? DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR THINKING UP TAGS? THANKS!

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What’s up y’all? Sorry I haven’t posted in quite some time; like I said in my last post, my dad took away the PC (and the cable box) for smoking in the house, so I haven’t been able to write. He put the PC back a few days ago, but I really haven’t had the motivation t?o write and continue on with Blogging 101, which I definitely want to start back up on .. I really hope they don’t close it all down after tomorrow; that would soo suck!

Life’s been crappy. I haven’t been doing much. I’m not even really going to IOP. I just sleep all day and go dose. I take my thyroid medication (levothyroxine) here and there, but I just can’t  seem to take it everyday, especially cos I’m supposed to take it an hour before eating in the morning and yeah that’s kinda hard. I’m waiting on my tax money (I filed on Thursday) so I can buy some clothes and fun stuff. Speaking of fun stuff, I never really wear makeup .. never have. But I really want to start. I ended up getting a whole bunch of stuff in the past couple weeks, so I basically have EVERYTHING I need except most brushes, lip liner, eye primer .. it’s all drug store brand, but whatever. But I just absolutely SUCK at doing my makeup .. I’ve got the whole foundation thing down I think, but I still see my pores and scars and zits even after putting on primer and concealer and powder and stuff //shrug. And eye shadow just makes me wanna cry lol I’ve watched SO many tutorials I don’t know what  I’m doing wrong .. is it the lack of proper brushes or not having the right primer (i’ve been putting face primer on my eye lids) or what? So yeah, if any of y’all know of any awesome beauty vloggers or bloggers, preferably people who do beginner, tutorial, drug store, etc. stuff (I dig Emily Eddington [emilynoel83] [blog], Wayne Goss [gossmakeupartist] [blog], Marlena [Makeup Geek] [blog], and Sinead [TheMakeupChair] [blog]) PLEASE HELP A GIRL OUT! Oh, and speaking of getting my hair cut .. I got some purple hair bleach (it bleaches AND dyes at the same time I love it! I’ve been using it for yearssss. I’m surprised by the reviews but oh well! I don’t even listen to the time directions. I rinse when my hair looks good. Also, it doesn’t come out THAT bright, so if you want it super bright you gotta buy the dye too. It used to come with dye as well but not anymore =/) by N’Rage called the N’ Rage Streaks N Color Highlighting Kit and some pink hair dye called Bubble Head Pink by Beyond the Zone Color Jamz, so I was thinking that once the purple fades (or it’s not as bright as I want it to be) I’ll put the pink in .. but I was snooping around earlier today actually and found in my sister’s dye kit that she actually has some purple AND pink dye AND bleach (powder and developer) so I might use up all of the purple and then go with the pinks; well see. so once I get my hair cut I’m gonna have my sister (not sure if I mentioned this before, but she does hair) section my hair so I can do my “bangs” or something cute .. I wish my hair was thin (it’s super thick) that way it’d look cute not short but like a little longer than shoulder length .. like just enough to put in a high pony tail. That way I could color it with unnatural colors better .. kinda like vintageortacky on YouTube .. I love her hair cos it’s like black on the bottom and pink/purple on top, and 3/4 of it is black and just 1/4 is pink/purple. But yeah, I think since my hair is really thick, I couldn’t pull of a cut that short .. I mean I could cos when I first met Kyle my hair was that short, but I also had a job then so I always maintained the cut //shrug oh well.

But yeah, I just wanted to say hi for now. I don’t have any cigarettes to keep me going (I will tomorrow though), so I’m not going to write much tonight, let alone catch up on the course. I may do a couple days worth of the 5 Year Challenge since it’s pretty easy, and I have some answers written out already.

AHHHH TOO MANY TAGS!! BUT I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN WITH THIS MAKEUP STUFF!!

If you noticed, I highlighted my questions to you. Before I did, I looked at my previous posts to see if I did, and I either forgot, or didn’t have any questions .. ahh! I said before that I really want to interact with y’all, so to make it easier I’m going to bold the questions .. so yeah. Help a sister out! 😀

After talking about doing my hair, I think I might just do it tonight 😀 well, the bleaching anyways .. need to shower first, though!

Hi. I can’t do much right now. Which is good in a way or two; I’ll explain in a moment. I lied, I’m not explaining shit right now.

Today’s assignment was for me to mess around with some themes and find a completely new one, even if I’m content with the one I have now. But I’m glad I said “fuck that”, because #1 someone had already told me that this theme goes with my name and tagline and #2 my dad is literally trying to kill me, and that’s as far as I’m going with this post.

Hey guys. As I explained in my most previous post, #1 yesterday’s lesson didn’t require a post like this #2 I had a shitty night, so I didn’t post this.

For Day 3, I was supposed to follow five new topics in the Reader and five new blogs.

I found Hear The Raven’s Call and Subconscious Arts under tarot cards.

I found Hocuspocus13 under astrology.

#funnyemails was just suggested to me on the sidebar, so I just started following him.

TJ’s Things and Confection Connoisseurs under candy.

Kitty Says under emojis? or South Park. Pretty sure emojis.

Stronger Than That under South Park.

Gaming Bits under board and card games… he actually does game reviews.

Destroy What You Enjoy under Wreck This Journal.

All Things Chronic under methadone.

So alright, there ya go: 5 tags and 5 people (yeah I can count; there’s more than 5). I actually created a decent amount of tags and followed a ton of people on Tuesday night, but didn’t write anything down. So last night, as I was finishing up adding tags from the list of tags I typed, I just used those tags and found those people… except Destroy What You Enjoy .. I dig art journals, even though I haven’t made one myself (yet). She also introduced me to Anti Journal by David Sinden and Nikalas Catlow, and it definitely seems more fun than Wreck This Journal. I can’t wait to get my Anti Journal and start working on it. Speaking of which, I still haven’t started on my Wreck This Journal Everywhere; fuck, man! Whatever though, one day…

And just for fun, here’s a list of all of the tags I’m now following, just in case you’d like to know some of my interests: art journal, art journaling, astrology, bpd, blogging101, board games, body modification, borderline personality disorder, candy, card games, chocolate, creative journaling, emojis, ghosts, heroin, makeup tutorials, methadone, nocturnal, paranormal experiences, piercing, piercings, pseudo science, south park, substance abuse, tarot cards, wreck this journal.

Alright, I’m off to edit and post Day 4.

I’m talking about today’s lesson for Blogging 101. I had a shitty night last night and went to bed around midnight, and literally didn’t wake up until 6pm; WHAT THE FUCK. I have no motivation to do anything right now, but maybe some coffee and some TV might give me the motivation that I need to #1 write out today’s lesson #2 write out my results for yesterday’s lesson, which didn’t require a post… I’ll explain more later. I promise. I just don’t feel like sitting in front of my computer right now. I wouldn’t mind sitting on the couch with my new tablet (the one my dad ordered after he returned the one I didn’t like), but I smashed it all up because fuck my dad. I’m not even going to tag or edit this post right now. My coffee is done and my DVR is +90% filled with South Park.

I don’t want to start with “good evening” on every single post I make, but it’s safe to assume that almost all of my posts will be posted (or at least wrote and edited) hours after the sun has gone down… at least during winter time. I think I’m slowly starting to become nocturnal, and while it’s not totally a bad thing… I’d rather be somewhat normal and have a normal schedule.

Before I get to today’s post on Day 2! Of my Blogging 101 course, I’d just like to say two things… #1 that I finally got my Wreck This Journal Everywhere! Although it (AND Wreck This Journal) really doesn’t seem as fun as I thought it would be. I need to look at every single page though. And I want to start it tonight, especially since it snowed today! And I believe one of the questions says to drag it around, outside, on a string. Although maybe it might be a little more creative if I waited until tomorrow and drug it around in the dirty, grey gutter snow? Let me know, since I have to go out tomorrow anyway to dose just like every other day. So, let me bang out this post so I can clean my bathroom, take a shower, and go on with my horrible* life… and when I say that, I mean that I’m probably going to start on Day 3 since it was posted a little more than an hour ago (I live in NJ, USA [EST -5] and I’m started writing this around 8:15pm). #2 Thank you to all of the WONDERFUL people who liked and commented my previous post, which was Day 1 of Blogging 101. I’d also like to thank all of you who decided to follow me after reading it… or any of my other posts. It really, truly means a lot to me that you guys, my new fans! Actually want to “hear” (read) what I have to say! UGH, SO HAPPY ❤ ❤ Alright, on with the show!

For today’s lesson, I’m supposed to “edit my title and tagline”. My first thought was something like “OMG NO WAY DUDE; IT TOOK ME *DAYS* TO THINK OF “THOUGHTS GONE AWRY; I’M NOT BEAT!” But at the end, I was told that if I’m “already thrilled”, I can still publish a post. Great! Because although I really do like my tagline as well, I don’t mind having to change it; mainly because it’s already used in my bio. Speaking of my bio, I still need to update it to the new one that I wrote for yesterday’s lesson.

Surprisingly, it didn’t take long at all to come up with my tagline since I just copied and pasted it from my Twitter, @blo0dchild. Ha, funny… but in all seriousness, it really didn’t take that long to think up. And as mentioned before, I hate writing bios. And this is kind of the same thing. I mentioned somewhere

OKAY IT’S NOW ALMOST 10:30, FML! DUDE, I HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS… Okay, my dad ordered pizza a little bit before I started writing. When it got here, I figured I’d watch a couple of videos on YouTube while I ate so I don’t get ick all over my keyboard. +60 minutes later, I’m watching pointless, mind-numbing videos about hip hop artists in the Illuminati. Thank god I came to when I did, or I’d still be watching. Anyways, back to what I was talking about…

Great, I forgot where I was going with that. Ahh well. Tagline… alright, basica I REMEMBERED!!! WOW! Alright, I was talking about how getting opinions on blog names from a couple of friends. One friend suggested I use the work “junkie”, but I declined because I really don’t want to focus on using and all that good stuff. But maybe incorporating my addiction and mental illness in my tagline could work? And be cute and funny with it. Something like .. “the thoughts and ______ of a crazy ex junkie”. I almost always describe myself as a “crazy ex junkie” anyway, so I’ll run with it. But the word “thoughts” is already in my title, so I don’t want to repeat it. And I can’t think of another word to go in there. Maybe scratch that all together, and put “the rants and raves of a crazy ex junkie”? But then it just seems as if I’m doing reviews and opinion pieces and stuff.

…the ruminating journal of a crazy ex junkie…

ramblings, nonsense, babble, thought, ponder, contemplate, complain, gripe, chatter, praise, scatterbrained, frivolous, whimsical, lost in thought, abstracted, out to lunch (lol), unpredictable, volatile,

Okay, I’ve come to the conclusion that my new tagline will be… “the unpredictable writings of a volatile ex junkie”.

I changed “crazy” to “volatile” simply because I liked all of the synonyms for volatile on Thesaurus.com. And I’m definitely unpredictable, would you agree? I mean, sometimes I can write legit, intellectual stuff… but other times, I can also write ignorant nonsense <~~~ I’M WARNING YOU NOW. I also wanted to change “journal” simply because it didn’t sound right with everything else.

I’m pleasantly surprised that thinking of a new tagline only took a half hour, oh snap! I’m off to edit, post, and continue watching Illuminati videos.

Before I go, I want to give a little shout out to Mass he? (only left an e-mail address, but I figured he was a guy because his email address has the name “Spencer” in it) commented, on my previous post and asked some pretty important questions: What do you do all day? How do you survive if you don’t work? Well, Mr. Mass… here’s you answer (I actually commented back to him, but I figured it I’d also add to this post so more people could see it :)):

You ask why I do all day and how do I survive if I don’t work. I *GRATEFULLY* live at my dad’s with him and my sister .. the only thing that sucks about living with him (I don’t mind living with her, expect for the fact that she never puts her dishes in the dishwasher!) is that it really, truly seems like he’s pushing my buttons ON PURPOSE so I can freak out and he can kick me out AGAIN. Again? Yeah, a few years ago, BEFORE I even started getting high (on heroin… he never cared that I smoked pot) because I freaked out on him for doing his button pushing thing. What I mean by that is that freaks out on me for *ABSOLUTELY NO REASON* (here’s one – he freaked out on me tonight actually for not telling him there was no more color safe bleach, and he couldn’t do his *ANY* laundry because of it! #1 I never use that shit, and neither does my sister #2 he damn well knew he was running low OBVIOUSLY since he’s the only one who uses it!!!), so I freak out back, and boom I’m in the crisis center or holding because he called the cops on a false accusation, and because he’s the homeowner and I’m documented crazy, he wins 😦 I survive on “government handouts” lol as I like to call them; food stamps and Medicaid. Unfortunately I’m not receiving welfare (cash assistance) but I really don’t care because if I do extra work around the house, my dad buys me smokes. Andd I sleep all day. Literally hahaha. Seriously though, for some reason I’m nocturnal, and I try SO hard to get into a normal thing, and fail miserably. So I wake up around 2-3pm, go to IOP (and dose) from 4-7pm (or sometimes 8pm), and then chill out until around 6-7am, and do it all over again!

GOODNIGHT ❤

I SERIOUSLY hate thinking of tags (and categories); I hope there’s a lesson on it.

Good evening, you beautiful soul! ❤ 😀 I hope you had a nice Monday. Mine wasn’t horrible, but we’ll talk about that some other time; I want to get straight down to business.

I mentioned on Saturday that “I still have to a do a decent “about me” post”, so what you’re about to read is a little introduction about who I am and why I’m here, blogging on WordPress… I hope that after reading this, you either continue to follow me, or decided to follow me 🙂

I like to think that I’m cute and funny although I’d like to be hott and hilarious, but I’m probably just average and corny… YOU BE THE JUDGE. Ha, I crack myself up. Seriously though, that’s really what I think. I’m a 27 year old female from Central NJ. I should have an awesome career, a degree, a sexy husband, and MAYBE a family… but I have NONE of these things, although I do have a 7 year old son, Jay, out of wedlock, but I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over 4 years. “Oh, no! Why?” you may ask? Long story short, I’m a (what I like to call) a “crazy junkie”; I’m an ex heroin addict with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although I don’t consider myself in “real” addiction recovery (as in, I’m not a 12 stepper; I just don’t get high), I haven’t used any hard drugs since July 27, 2014 :D. I’ll admit, I am on methadone maintenance (which is very controversial)… but it sure as hell beats where I was just a few months ago. I’m now slowly, but surely getting better; I’m getting help for my substance abuse issues, and I’m on a waiting list (I’m on Medicaid, but it’s better than nothing… plus, it’s free :D) to get help for my mental heath issues. Once I’m confident that I’ve made a significant improvement, I will try to see Jay again; hopefully his father, Kyle, and Family Court have the confidence by then as well.

Since I don’t work ($ = trigger = relapse = 👿 ), go to school (my Financial Aid appeal to local my Community College was denied back in December, so I don’t have many other options), or really do anything at all, I began contemplating starting a vlog. It seemed really fun, but I was lacking some things, the most important being a decent camera. So then I decided that maybe blog may be better (for the time being); I’ve already been trying to journal for the past couple years, only to stop after a few weeks or months. It was fun and surprisingly made me feel better, but then I’d get discouraged and stop when I’d forget and not write a couple of days in a row. I did very little research on blogging before I made the decision to make a WordPress account and start writing long, boring posts about my day, life, thoughts, and etc; I’m actually journaling, not blogging, which is what I wanted… right? Well, duh… but after doing more research on blogging, I knew I could make something bigger if I really wanted to.

I literally don’t have any talents; at least, none that I’m aware of. While doing my blogging research, the lightbulb in my head came on :idea:. “Here’s something I really haven’t thought about trying and having it successfully work out… what if blogging is my expertise?!” I figured that I could at least just start out by actually journaling; as long as I continue to research and practice what they preach, I’d be in business! Speaking of preaching, I stumbled upon WordPress’ official unofficial (or is it unofficial official?) blog, The Daily Post, a blog by bloggers, for bloggers. This blog seemed pretty fricken informative, so I read article after article after article, until I found the Holy Grail, *THE* information I was looking for… a FREE 30 day blogging course! And OMG! The course was starting in less than a week! It’s called Blogging 101, and it’s basically a 30 day online course for beginner bloggers; it’s pretty self explanatory just by reading the title. I signed up for it immediately and literally counted down the hours until the first lesson, “Introducing Yourself” was posted. Now here I am, introducing myself to you.

Now that you know a little about me and why I’m here, the next question is… who exactly are you? I imagine you to be someone who just loves meeting new, interesting people, and wanting to know their story. You’re very opinionated, and you appreciate like minded people; you know what you want in life, you take pleasure in debating, and always have great, original thoughts, suggestions, advice, etc. You know you’re the complete opposite of me, yet you have a strange desire to find at least one thing we have in common. And of course, you enjoy reading journal-like blogs, such as mine; you are delighted by interacting with others with your above mentioned thoughts and etc. just as I do. You’re not just a reader… you’re my fan, and I’m your’s. Finally, and most importantly… you might be an addict, mentally ill, or both; and, following along beside me, you’re trying to find the experience, strength, and hope to start a life worth living. ^^’ ❤ ❤

I honestly, truly do want to make this blog “bigger than I ever thought possible”, but I need to start slow. I don’t need to focus on posting literal awry thoughts, but sometimes it’s alright if I know it’ll be a good story. Basically, I just want to #1 write whatever comes to mind, and go with it. Some days a journal entry, some days a prompt or two, some days something totally different; I really don’t know… Thoughts Gone Awry is only a few days old, so it’s really too early to decide, don’t you agree? #2 I want to interact with my readers; I’ve already asked countless questions. Unfortunately, nobody has answered them; but that’s okay! Like I said, not even a week old! But my ultimate goal, if blog successfully throughout 2015 (and beyond!), I’ll accomplish so much! As stated above, I’ll have legit fans, not just readers… and plenty of you! Continuous interaction; we’ll never get bored… we’ll answer prompts together and (or at least) discuss them. I’ll do Q&A’s and tags for y’all. I want you all to be there when things start getting really good in my life; if any of you are struggling addicts, I want to be able to motivate you to stop getting high and start living a life worth living! Seriously yo, to me, hanging out on the internet all day and interacting with people… doing what I want y’all to do with me, is more fun than drooling all over myself half asleep… and believe me dude, I legit thought that was fun.

Well, there ya have it! Everything you wanted to know about me, why I’m here, and why I want you to love me, hah! I’ll love you too though, that’s the whole reason why I want you in the first place! In all seriousness though, I really hope you were entertained by this learning experience as much as I took joy in writing it… and I’m not even being sarcastic; I actually had fun writing this, believe it or not. Yes, it was tedious since I really don’t like writing bios, but I pulled through because I REALLY want to get this blogging stuff down! buenos noches mi amigo 😀 <~~ lol did I spell that right?

My weekend was fabulous! And by fabulous, I mean boring and typical.

Posted: January 5, 2015 in Dear Diary...
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Howdy ho, yo! It’s currently about 11:07pm on Sunday, January 4th .. let’s see how long it takes for me to write, edit, and post this (I am estimating about 3 hours)! Above this (but once I edit and post this, it’ll be below this), I started writing a post for Saturday on Friday night/early Saturday morning. But by Saturday morning (8AMish), I have like, 6 cigarettes left, and no $ to get more .. luckily, I was able to space them out, and smoked my last one this morning around 10am .. then I went back to sleep, and woke up around 5pm. I’ll write more about that in a little bit.

So before I start with the stuff I stuff I started the other night, I just wanted to say that I’m glad I was able to write tonight [thanks to Andrew] (I’ll talk about that soon), cos I want to be able to post everyday, and if not everyday, then at least write something everyday. I also want to say this is going to be a VERY long post .. like legit “too long” Shit, it says I have 6,294 words, and I’ve barely started editing. If I remember, I’ll give you a final count. So, I cut it into a few sections; you will notice by the lines. Enjoy!

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Well, I woke up around 2:30pm on Friday, and didn’t to sleep until last night (Saturday night/Sunday morning) around 1-1:30am.

The cigarette on the left is a real cigarette, the cigarette on the right is also known as a "little cigar". These "little cigars" are the cheap cigarettes I'm talking about.

The cigarette on the left is a real cigarette, the cigarette on the right is also known as a “little cigar”. These “little cigars” are the cheap cigarettes I’m talking about.

I was planning on going to dose at like 6:30-7am, but I wanted to use the $3 to get a box of Cheyennes. For those of you who don’t know what Cheyennes are, they’re cigarettes, literally. Baby cigars with filters. The best way I could explain them to you (besides showing you a picture) is by saying they’re basically like Black & Mild Filter Tips. If you still don’t know, well here‘s a link to their website, and here’s a picture (they come in all different flavors; check out the website to see them all. I smoke Menthol). They’re really cheap; I can get them for $2.50 a pack, and 20 come in a box. But yeah, back to dosing .. my dad only gave me $3 to take the bus and go dose, and it’s $2.15 round trip. So I ended up texting my cousin, Glenn, and asking if he could pick me up from my house, or at least take me home (he’s also on methadone), even though if I at least took the bus there I still wouldn’t have had enough for a pack because it’s $1.50 one way so I’d be left with $1.50, but it wouldn’t have been THAT hard to try to bum $1 off random people. But yeah, so I texted him, and after impatiently waiting about 30 minutes I said “fuck” it and started walking up to the bus stop. And of course my luck kicked in, because as soon as I got on the bus, Glenn texts me back saying “yeah, sure, I’ll be there in like 30 minutes”. GRR!! I just waited $2.15 for nothing! And of course I couldn’t get a refund on the transfer .. a “transfer” (through NJT, which is basically the only public transportation bus company in NJ) is basically the extra 65 cents I paid to get home .. basically when you get on the bus on your way to your destination, you ask for a transfer and pay your regular fare ($1.50 or more, depending on where you’re going) PLUS the 65 cent (or more, depending on where you’re going) transfer fee .. then a little receipt pops out, and that’s your transfer ticket. Then when you get on the second bus of your journey, you hand the driver that ticket instead of putting money in the thingy. That way you save money since you’re paying full price for a ride. In my case, I just use the transfer to get home because [lucky for me] I can take *5* different buses to/from my house .. but a transfer is only valid for 2 hours, so you have to be “quick”. And you can’t use the transfer on the same bus route you bought it on, so since I bought mine on the 409, I couldn’t go home on the 409. BUT BACK TO MY STORY! So yeah, when I got of the bus I just gave my transfer to a guy who was standing at the bus stop and was like “hey, today’s your lucky day!” and explained to him my story, so he was happy about saving a couple dollars to get to wherever he was going. I told Glenn I was already on my way there and I just needed a ride home when I was on the bus, so after I dosed I just waited around outside for him to get there and then dose. When we were going back to my house, I told him about why I really asked for a ride and stuff, and his kind soul gave me a few cigarettes =]. At that point, I only had 6 left (minus the ones he gave me), so I didn’t even bring the pack with me because I would have smoked all of them on the way.

I spent the rest of my day doing bullshit. My friend Andrew (will explain all about him in a different post), who lives a block away (fun fact: I live at 341 Street Ave., and he lives at 241 =P), hit me up asking if I could get drugs (heroin) and if I wanted to chill and get high and stuff. I said not really since I’m not getting high anymore again and don’t wanna be tempted, and he got all mad and said okay. I told him I’ll still chill and we could try to find burn (marijuana) and smoke and stuff, but he never responded =(.

I’m literally falling asleep at my PC (remember, I wrote this yesterday at like 4pm?) and I literally just added like, 175 (give or take a few since there were a couple books and a tablet on it already) books and stuff to my Amazon wish list (<~~ there’s my list; help a broke white girl? =]) lol, I want to read and do ALL OF THE THINGS lol. I also added some interesting and fun looking books and journals for Jay. Anything you want to suggest? Like, do you know of any “interactive” (is that what they’re even called? Like basically “fill in the blank” journals, like wreck this journal, etc.) journals for kids, such as Doodle Sketchbook: Art Journaling for Boys by Dawn DeVries SokolDude Diary: Unlock the Power!: Write! Draw! Destroy! (Dude Diary is actually a series! Well, at least I think so .. there’s 5 in total) by Mickey & Cheryl Gill, and Q&A a Day for Kids: A Three-Year Journal by Betsy Franco.

These, along with all of the other books I added for Jay [and myself!] seem so much fun! I can’t wait to see him and start them. Oh, I think there was also one that both kid and parent do together, but I can’t find it =/. I did find this book (Just Between Us: A No-Stress, No-Rules Journal for Girls and Their Moms by Meredith & Sofie Jacobs) while getting the information for the previous links, but unfortunately it’s for moms and daughters. Hey, moms of boys: do you know of any books like Just Between Us that are for moms and sons? But yeah, I hope when he and I finally have some real visitation and custody he enjoys them as much as I hope we will! Like I said in my January 1st 5 Year Challenge, I haven’t seen him in over 4 years, and he’s 7.66 (lol, .66 .. yes, I do it like this! He’ll be 7.75 on the 12th =P) now. So although I’m sure he won’t grow out of any of these books anytime soon, I surely do hope we finally get some real visitation sooner rather than later =/

Most of the books I added to my wish list had to do with art, interactive, etc. journaling and creative writing, along with Jay’s books and a few randoms. Seriously, Amazon is the bomb. Especially with the free shipping over $35 (ha, wait till you read what I wrote below about the BS with my dad earlier today). That’s like, nothing! Plus, there’s an Amazon warehouse literally less than 5 miles from me (I kind of want to get a job there, but there are a lot more cons than pros .. mainly because it’s temporary work (like, through a temp agency) and because it’s warehouse work, so you’re on your feet for like, 8 hours a day), so there’s really NO reason for what I want to take “forever” (more than 3-5 days) to get to me! Oh, plus the fact that I can’t take a real bus there. Instead I’d have to take the “Z-Line“, which ONLY runs from like 5:30-7:30am and 5-6pm!! I’m pretty sure the warehouse is open 24/7; what about 2nd and 3rd shift? Blah, oh well. SOOO many people work there, so if [god willing] I do get a job there one day, I’m sure I’ll be able to find someone to carpool everyday with.

I still need to pick a couple books that i can either get at B&N (preferably; I’d much rather buy in store than online) or order from Amazon since I have ~$30 to spend since the tablet my dad returned was $100, and the new one I’m getting is only $70. I ended up pinning, bookmarking, ANDD copy and pasting the books I like the best so that they don’t get “lost” in that long ass wish list so I can look into them more before buying them. I want to browse through their Amazon reviews, Google their titles and skim through the results, check out the author and publisher’s websites, and maybe even pick them up at the library (if they even have them)! Actually, scratch that ..  I owe *2* libraries books; the township library, and the state library. The state library is downtown, so I’d have to go up there whenever I go dose, but the township one is basically across the street from my dad’s work, so I really just have to ask my dad to drop them off for me .. see ladies and gentlemen! THAT’S how lazy I am. So, so sad .. I can’t wait till I’m finally better and happy again =D. Do you have any other bookstores in your area besides B&N? we don’t =/ well not off the top of my head, anyway. we used to have a Borders and B. Dalton. Oh, and Waldenbooks … but no more =(

And now for a random story. Since I’m on Medicaid and don’t have a car (even though that doesn’t matter since they also reimburse gas), Medicaid (and I believe Medicare as well) deals with a private company called Logisticare for all of our medical transportation needs. I HATE Logisticare SOO much for countless reasons, but for today I am going to tell you a [rare] GOOD story about them! So, here we go. Since I’m lazy, I didn’t order my bus pass for January from them until 12/28, even though I’m really supposed to order it in like the 2nd week of the month before because it takes like 10 business days from the date of the phone call to receive it, sometimes even longer. Well, since I’m “mass transit eligible” (I’m mobile [can walk] and have more than 5 appointments a month (~24 to be exact; I dose M-Sa)), instead of getting rides everyday, they just give me a bus pass. But since I’ve been on Medicaid I’ve been having to call and order each month, even though I told my counselor, Kristin, at my methadone clinic, New Horizon Treatment Services (NHTS for short), in Trenton, NJ countless of times to PLEASE put a standing order in for me so I don’t have to call each month and schedule rides that aren’t even coming! But yeah, so when I called on 12/28, I got and wrote down all of my confirmation numbers for rides that weren’t coming anyway because of the mass transit order. Well, on Saturday morning, just for fun, I ended up calling Logisticare and asking a lady where my ride was after giving her my confirmation number. She explained to me [almost] everything that I already knew (nobody was coming and that I’m mass transit eligible), but what I DIDN’T know (hence why I wrote [almost]) was that #1 my bus pass was already on it’s way to me, and that it was mailed on Friday afternoon! She even gave me the tracking number, and I tracked it while I was on the phone with her just to confirm what she said, and she was actually right!! #2 Kristin FINALLY put my standing order in! FUCKING A! I was so excited to hear that! Now I don’t have to call every fricken month and wait on the phone foreverrrr (literally dude; sometimes I’m on hold for over like, 45 minutes! just so i can order my stupid pass)!! But yeah, that was seriously the best phone convo I’ve had with Logisticare since I’ve been on Medicaid. Everything I heard was good news, plus the lady was soo nice AND knowledgeable! Seriously, most of the people I’ve talked to are stupid and ignorant as fuck! THE END lol.

Ha, I didn’t notice until I was almost done writing this story that I already wrote something about Logisticare yesterday .. and now you will read the edited version of that =]

I called log care earlier (as in yesterday (1/3) morning) and they gave me the tracking # to my bus pass. It’s 4:11pm (on 1/3) right now, and I could have swore the mail already came for the day … but who knows? I’m gonna keep tracking because right now it’s 4:13pm and it “departed our USPS facility in TRENTON, NJ 08650 on January 3, 2015 at 1:12 pm. The item is currently in transit to the destination” and that facility is the post office my house’s mail comes from so I am just so confused. but oh well, it’ll def be here by Monday, hopefully before 3pm so I can go to evening IOP .. fuck I just remembered that Mondays are my counseling day, so I have to see Kristin (my counselor) at 1 .. she’ll understand though; we can prob schedule for later. (IT’S NOW 1:10AM ON MONDAY, 1/5, AND I STILL HAVE MORE TO WRITE ABOUT THIS STUPID BUS PASS!! READ MORE BELOW IN A FEW PARAGRAPHS)

Blah it’s 4:16pm (well, it was when I wrote that Saturday afternoon lol) and I’m just trying to make an outline for later/tomorrow when i wake up. i have like no cigarettes and this is just gonna suck (SUNDAY NIGHT/MONDAY MORNING it didn’t suck THAT bad; see above/below).

I also watched MADD YouTube videos, including PRINCESSJOULES (JOULES (pronounced Julie) IS SOO PRETTY FOR A MTF! YEAH THAT’S KINDA MEAN AND SEXIST? BUT WHATEVER. SERIOUSLY, SHE’S THE PRETTIEST I’VE EVER SEEN THOUGH), Daniel, In So Many Words, We Are The Strange (I REALLY want to get my tongue split, but after watching some of her videos, it’s probably a bad idea (it heals wayy too fast)), TheVenomnomnomnom, SevenFabulousTeens (soo corny since it’s bad acting and for tweens, but for some reason I was mildly intrigued lol), and LaToya Forever ( XD XD XD (<– OMG EMOJIS! HOW DID THEY GET THERE?! WELL DUH, BUT YO, HOW CAN I MAKE OTHER ONES?!) I CAN’T EVEN). I did watch a couple art journal videos, but for the most part I just added a whole bunch to my Watch Later and subscribed to madd channels. I think I’ve asked this [wayy too many times], but can you recommend some journaling and art journaling channels, blogs, etc. please and thanks =D?

I really don’t know why I’m so interested in beauty tutorials since i don’t even wear makeup! shit, I don’t even know how to do makeup! I mean duh that’s what the tutorials are for, but still .. that shit’s too expensive. Maybe one day when life is going great and i have a real job making real money (or I’m getting my SSDI check, ha) I’ll be able to buy and wear decent makeup. And lucky for me, my sister is a Stylist at Ulta, so that means a 35% discount! And she’s awesome at makeup too, so if I really wanted to I could ask her to teach me to how to do makeup and stuff. She’s actually really fricken good at it in my opinion; she should really have her own YouTube channel (although I never bother to mention it to her .. knowing her though, she’ll say something about how she doesn’t have enough time, etc.) Can you recommend any channels, blogs, etc. on makeup and beauty?

i can’t think of anything else I did today? (SUN NITE/MON MORN I didn’t =P)

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It’s 2am, and I haven’t even started writing about today! So much about my 3 hours estimate. Granted, I did spend about a half hour dilly dallying (love that word lol) after I finished writing everything above this point, but blah! Plus I need to go buy smokes (I was able to get some cash from Andrew to buy some, yay!) .. I’m so glad I live in walking distance to a 24 hour store (Quick Chek; it’s a convince store franchise from north jersey). Speaking of 24 hours, “when I grow up” lol I NEED to live within walking distance of a 24 hour convenience store .. 7-Eleven, Wawa (convenience store franchise from eastern Pennsylvania) (did you know?! wawa is “indian” (what kind of indian? pssh, beats me) for goose!), Quick Chek, etc. because just in case I need anything in the middle of the night, etc., it’s right there. And going back to the “when I grow up” thing .. ever since I drove (and been an adult) every place I lived, even without my parents, I was by 24 hour convenience store, yay.

Alright, it’s 2:12am right now. I’m about to walk up to QC, and start on the stuff below.

Okay, I’m back .. it’s now 2:23, and .. 2:23, you may ask? Yes, 2:23. I forgot until I was about to walk out of the door that I had 4 cigarettes in my “permanent” cigarette pack (basically one of those hard, plastic packs you put rollies in) that I rolled at Andrew’s house earlier. So I ended up putting some coffee on, got ready to wash my face but didn’t (I’ll take a shower (or at least wash it then) later on when I finish this since I NEED to), stole my blanket from Cedric (my sister’s majestic half Maine Coone, half regular ole cat, named after the Harry Potter Cedric Diggory), who was laying on it, then sat back down to start typing this .. and now the buzzer is going off saying the coffee is done. But it’s not hot enough yet .. yeah, I’m weird about that. Anyways, random question: what do you think about Keurigs, and why? Personally, I think they’re basically stupid. They’re super expensive, the cartridges are super expensive (and the make your own ones, according to basically everyone, are complete garbage), you can only brew one cup at a time, and the brew settings, in my opinion, come in “sip”, “gulp”, and “taste” .. seriously. I’m SO glad I was able to convince my dad NOT to buy one. Waste of money! If you’re ONLY, ALWAYS going to make one cup, why don’t you just buy one of those coffee pots that only brew a couple cups at a time? Bonus: they’re adorable! K, I think it’s time to pour my coffee =]

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Okay, so .. about my day. Now, I don’t think this going to be in exact order because I forgot some things while jotting down what I did today, and my lazy butt didn’t put them in the correct spot, so forgive me. Besides, you probably won’t even know, anyway. And hey, I might just put it back in the right spot! I’ll let you know ;D

Well, I officially woke up around 5pm. My dad texted me around 10am about new iPad (I always want to call them that, not tablet .. it’s easier to say, right?), but I kept falling asleep, so what should have been a 5 minute texting convo was actually like, an hour. And one those times, I smoked my last cigarette, which I was specifically saving for when I legit woke up, which was definitely not going to be 10am. But yeah, he was confirming that the link he sent me was indeed the one I wanted, which is Nextbook 7 .Then he asked me about my Amazon wish list .. “You want 176 items from Amazon?” I said “well obviously lol” (duh). He said “too many to browse”. I remember trying to reply to it, but I fell asleep and never did, because my next text to him said “So what do you want me to do with the Amazon” and he told me to narrow it down to like one. ONE?! Nah yo, I have a $30 spending limit .. or so I thought! This fucker spent $10 on “expedited shipping” aka it’ll take “only” one week to get here, as opposed to .. like a week! I’m so pissed, but I’m glad I caught it because I knew he’d say something like “oh, well I spent $10 on the expedited shipping for you, so you’d have it before the weekend! So you only get $20 to spend!” BS! There was free shipping on the product! Who cares if it’d take longer! Besides, shipping like that is usually a scam anyway since you usually get it in less time than it says you would when you buy something online and you just have it shipped in the regular way, am I right? And if that just confused you .. okay, let’s say something says that “standard shipping” (the one that most people get .. the one that made this item from Wal-Mart’s shipping free .. $35 and up at Amazon .. etc.) takes 7-10 business days, 4-6 weeks, etc., to ship. okay, fine .. let’s say you’re waiting 7-10 business day. and you end up getting it after like, 3 regular days .. so you just got it in much less time than you thought! now do you understand? this has happened to me more often than not. how about you? but yeah, so I just complained to my dad that either he cancel the shipping, or he’s gonna have to just let me spend all of the $30 he said I could spend. fuck, man! Oh, and I think I mentioned this already, but if not .. my dad got me a Wal-Mart gift card for Christmas, but for some reason (probably cos I’m an ex junkie) he won’t give it to me; he wants to take me shopping .. whatever. It’s been over 10 days though, and I want to and NEED to go shopping! I barely have any shampoo left, and although my sister has like, 6 different ones in the shower, I like mine! Plus I need razors. And I want to use some of the $ on it (even though I know I won’t have any left, especially after buying razors) on art supplies for my new art journal (and the Wreck This Journal). I’m also waiting on another $25 one that I got from doing a survey for the Kessler Foundation? Something for the State of NJ? CHECK IT .. yes, I know it’s legit. They said it would take about 2 weeks for me to get it, and I took the survey on *looks at phone* well it’s not in my call log anymore (I figured it wouldn’t be anyway), but I definitely know I did it on a Monday, maybeee a Tuesday, so either 12/15-16 or 12/22-23, so it’s been 2 weeks (since it’s technically Monday now).

So after I finally woke up, I had some breakfast (two piece of toast [no more bagels )=] with cream cheese) and coffee. Then I ended up hitting up Andrew because like I said, he lives right down the street, and I know that #1 he just got his check, so he’ll have smokes #2 he has a cigarette rolling machine, so even if he doesn’t have smokes, he’ll have smokes lol. Luckily he told me to come over, and when I got there he gave me a few =] long story short, we chilled, watched the first two episodes of American Horror Story: Coven since we watched the first two seasons together, and I’m watching the 4th season now, and had some DiGiorno pizza. Ha, and when he went downstairs to get the pizza, I literally stole a handful of smokes and put them in my hard pack =X. He’s an alcoholic and of course he was drinking, and he’s also crazy so he takes crazy pills. When he takes his night ones and he’s drunk, he literally starts falling asleep on himself. He ended up taking them around 9-9:30pm? So around 10pm he was basically passed out, so I rolled some smokes for him (and myself, hehe), said goodbye, came home, and started playing on the internet (before I started writing this).

I don’t think I ever mentioned this, but about a month ago I was helping Kev and Earl do illegal things (I won’t get into specifics today, or maybe anytime soon, in case I get myself in trouble). Well, Kev fucked up and got the wrong stuff (makeup), so he was stuck with literally tons of makeup. So yay, free makeup for me! Well, more like free makeup for his girlfriend, and some for me. He gave me this chubby which is basically a lipstick and blush stick (don’t remember the name or brand, and don’t want to get up to look), this concealer/highlighter thing by L’Oreal? Liquid makeup (don’t know the exact kind/name) by either L’Oreal or Revlon, and this BB cream Almay stuff (I say stuff because it technically doesn’t say “bb cream” on it, but I know it’s cover up/foundation/whatever you want to call it) that’s supposed to like, instantly match your skin tone. Well, as stated above, I’m a makeup .. failure. Well today, I finally decided to try the Liquid and BB cream. Well, I really only used the BB cream; the liquid I swatched first, and it was too dark .. luckily, the BB cream was perfect. So I put it on with my hands, and I was kinda disappointed that it didn’t provide full coverage (I figured it wouldn’t), but it evened out my skin toned and just made it look nice without covering up my zits, pores, and “beauty marks” (I hate the word moles; plus they’re small and not raised. I would have said “freckles” since that’s just usually what I say, but). I don’t remember if it covered up my actual freckles, and I’m not getting up to look .. but I don’t think so. Boo. I can’t wait till one day I learn how to do this shit .. I mean when I was younger I still had the freckles, but I didn’t get acne until my 20’s, and the big pores are a result from picking at my acne when I was getting high. Seriously, if you look at pictures of me from before I was getting high, compared to when I was getting high till now .. oh man. Luckily, my acne has finally gone away, and I barely have a routine .. I wash with Pan Oxyl, 10%, and then put on an Rx of Benzyol Peroxide 5% .. that’s it. I do the Rx EVERYDAY, at least once a day .. unfortunately, I don’t wash everyday, blah yes I’m gross. I would show you pix, but #1 I don’t have terrible ones cos ya know, you wouldn’t post, or even take pix with gigantic zits all over #2 the PC is going SOO slow since I have a few tabs open, so it’d take me a while to browse through FB. So yeah, when I my sister came home, I asked for opinion on everything I had (except the chubby). She said the liquid will expire before the summer (when I have a nice tan and it’ll be good), so boo for that. And the BB cream looks good. She also told me that she learned most of her makeup skills from YouTube, ah! She went to and graduated from Paul Mitchell, so for some reason I always assumed she took like extra classes in makeup or something lol.

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Okay, I’m done writing about my day, yay! And it’s “only” 3:44am, ha! Now, on to randomness that I thought of while working on this entry…

Random thought: does the hour 3-4am freak you out, especially waking up at this time? How about 3:33 and waking up then? GAH, it does me!

OMG I have followers! Don Charisma, Fiction Limbo, and Alice .. SUP Y’ALL?! Why aren’t you guys chatting with me and answering my questions! it makes me sad =( lol, it’s partially my fault though since I haven’t read much of your stuff as well. And @thoughtsfromalice, I think you only have a couple of posts, am I right?

I barely listen to music anymore! Since I don’t drive (or hang out with anyone [with a car]), I don’t even listen to the radio. Literally, the only music I listen to is my sad Spotify playlist with 239 songs that are all at least a year old! I wouldddd link you to it, but I don’t know the URL. Plus, my real name is listed on it. Now, I’m not one of those weird people who are like, freaked out about putting my name on the internet, because I really don’t care. And my Facebook has my real name. I just like using the name The Nameless Wonder as my online persona. You might know my name one day, and if you really wanna do some research you’ll find it, but until then .. la la la. Oh, I did find this, though .. my Spotify user number: 12124279195. Maybe by using that and finding my playlist you’ll know my name, but who knows. I don’t even know how you would look me up; I just randomly found it when I clicked my picture in the app for my PC.

Hey, I asked you a couple posts ago about SSDI/SSI. I still haven’t done anything I’ve been meaning to since I posted that; thank you laziness. Should I just get a lawyer for my SSDI? He’ll definitely help me with everything so I don’t have to do anything, haha. I don’t know, yo .. I just want to do that simply so I can have more time to go back to school while still having an income and health insurance. Blah!

Remember what I said above about the USPS’s website says about my bus pass? If you don’t remember, please don’t scroll; I’ll copy and paste it! It says:

Well, when I woke up, and through out the evening and night I kept looking at it (for no reason since it’s Sunday), and even though it’s said this same thing since I looked at the first time, it’s changed from yesterday. It now says “Your item departed our USPS facility in TRENTON, NJ 08650 on January 4, 2015 at 4:09 am. The item is currently in transit to the destination. Information, if available, is updated periodically throughout the day. Please check again later.” And no longer says what it says about 1/3 .. like it totally disappeared! WTF?! I’m especially confused that it says this since doesn’t’ the post office not operate on Sundays? Like, how is it in transit to it’s destination (my house, or NHTS because of the standing order) if it’s Sunday .. well, Monday now? Whatever yo, at least this *HOPEFULLY* means that’s I’ll get it today. Watch, I’m either gonna get a ride to NHTS from my dad, and it’s gonna get delivered to NHTS, and the mail is gonna get there super late, like after 2, which is when I’m supposed to be done there. OR, my dad’s not gonna give me a ride, and it’s gonna come to my house, and the mail is gonna come extra late, like after 3:10-15, so I miss at least the first hour of evening IOP (I can do either or) AND I have to reschedule my weekly with Kristin. If he doesn’t give me a ride, I should try to remember to call Logisticare and find out where the pass is being mailed to since the tracking doesn’t tell me, and then call Kristin and tell here where it’s going to and let her know I might need to reschedule.

I spoke of (and linked you to) my Amazon wish list above. While I mentioned this, I also said something about pinning/bookmarking/etc. them. Well, here’s a list of all of them .. as in, here‘s the link to that board on my Pintrest. Please, tell me .. have you read of any these before? Did you like them, or not? Why or why not? Need opinions, please! Also, like I’ve asked before .. please, recommend!!! I need to know which book (or two) I should get besides Wreck This Journal and Wreck This Journal Everywhere! If you could only choose between Wreck This Journal and Wreck This Journal Everywhere, which would you choose? Or maybe you could at least tell me what kind of supplies I should get for my art journal, or Wreck This? Anything! Please! Also, have you ever heard of the Kokology games/books? What do you think of them? While I was browsing around Amazon adding everything in site to my wish list, I stumbled across these books, and they sounded really fun, so I wrote down the name “Kokology” and added them to my wish list. I finally just Googled the term, found that website, and played the strawberry game. After playing, I was reading the answers and was like “ooooooooooohhh, yeahhhhhh, I remember this game” Except it was about strawberries, it was about crossing a body of water, finding a cup, coming up to a house, etc. .. do you remember now? Ah well, if you go to the site and play the strawberry game, if you ever did the one I’m talking about, you’d remember. IF YOU’RE GOING TO LOOK INTO ONLY THING I TALK ABOUT IN THIS ENTIRE POST, I HIGHLY SUGGEST LOOKING INTO KOKOLOGY, K?

If I end up getting the motivation to actually take a shower instead of just washing my face, I’m gonna ask my dad to give me a ride to NHTS (you read it above .. my methadone clinic. This is what I’m going to call it from now on .. that, or New Horz) when he gets home (he stays at his girlfriend’s house like, every night, and then comes home in the morning to shower and get ready). Hopefully he says, especially because I just need him to drop me off instead of wait for me because I’m going to stay for IOP instead of just dose. But I’m going to need $1.50 to get home since I won’t have my bus pass.

Well, it’s now 4:21am, and I’m not even done yet! Well, I am .. it’s just that I have one thing left to do, and that’s give a shout out to my followers and likers above, where I wrote “OMG I have followers!” But first, I finished all of my cigarettes. And it’s after 3am. So now I’ll walk up to QC and get smokes. When I come back, I’ll finish up writing, then I’ll edit and FINALLY publish. THEN I CAN DO DAY 4 AND 5 OF MY CHALLENGE! MAYBE. DEPENDS ON IF MY DAD CAME HOME LOL .. HE USUALLY COMES HOME SOMETIMES BEFORE 8:15, BUT USUALLY AROUND 7:30. WHY AM I WRITING AND CAPS? AND WHY AM I HEARING WEIRD NOISES? UGH I AM SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW TO GO OUTSIDE. FUCK IT IMMA JUST STOP WRITING HERE AND TAKE A LITTLE NAP, FUCK THIS I AM FREAKED OUT. CEDRIC WHERE ARE YOU! YOU’LL SCARE EM! THERE HE IS, HIDING ON THE COUCH UNDERISH THE BLANKET I GAVE HIM SINCE I STOLE MINE FROM HIM ❤

LOL, 4:56; I never went to sleep. It’s the wind. I’m going now, as soon as I download BlueStacks and Show Box (I would have linked you, but I was right; it was a virus .. it’s officially been taken off the internet). BlueStacks is and Android app emulator and Show Box is an Android App that lets me watch movies and TV shows online for free, cool beanz! Andrew introduced me to it earlier; he was telling me some guy at Radio Shack (ha) told him about it .. he said he’s been using it to watch stuff when he can’t find something on Netflix. Alrighty, BlueStacks is done, so now I’m gonna start download Show Box so when I get back from QC it’ll be done. UGH THIS WIND, so creeped out. 5AM EXACTLY! PS – Haven’t gone yet; think that Show Box thing was a virus. Oh well, virus protection on here! Guess I’ll just have to wait to get Andrew’s Netflix info so I can finish watching Coven. Speaking of login info .. I still have this girl Becky’s (from my old halfway house when I went down to FL last year for the whole “recovery” BS) login info. Hmm, let’s see .. it worked, yay! too bad I can’t watch RIGHT NOW since I need to go to QC, edit this, post it, POSSIBLY do my challenge, and then do my first! Blogging 101 lesson: All About Me! Which is good, because I’ve been wanting to do that =] But yeah, that’s why I said POSSIBLY do my challenge, cos I can always do that later. I’m on a time limit with my lesson. And when I go to IOP (if my dad takes me; if not, I’ll be sleeping .. well maybe. We’ll see) I can continue to write my lesson, and if I already finished it, I’ll just work on my challenge! Alright; 5:12. Let’s time me! OMFG THIS WIND IS CREEPING ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m back, and it’s 5:38! So that took 26 minutes .. not bad. I figured it’d be about that much. I went out in basketball shorts and my sister’s nice, warm Calvin Klein coat, and surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad! I REALLY wanted to finish this when i got back, but Cedric just hopped on me and started nipping at me. I fricken hates that he does it, but I know he’s just doing it to show me love. But it still hurts and it’s annoying and I want to get him to stop ahh! I’ve tried spraying water, hissing at him, and pulling his whiskers and ear, but nothing! FUCKKKKKKKK lol. So maybe I can just cuddle on the couch with him for a little. Or type with one hand while i hold his mouth closed, ha. I can always just edit until it gets really annoying cos I can always keep saving! okay, let’s try that… oh, thank god! After like, 3 minutes, he hopped off.

YO, 10 HOURS LATER; I’M DONE. FINALLY. THANK THE LORD. HOLLA IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THE WHOLE THING. HOLLA EVEN IF YOU DIDN’T. HOLLA FO A DOLLA.

FINALLY, I’M OUT. FUCK A CHALLENGE, AND FUCK A LESSON (WELL, FOR NOW). I’M OFF TO NAPPY NAP! BE BACK TONIGHT =] ❤

6576 AMOUNT OF WORDS, INCLUDING ALL OF THE STUFF IN THIS PARAGRAPH. THAT’S 282 MORE THAN I WROTE AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS, WTF! HOW, YO? I SAY YO ALOT, MAYBE THAT’S WHY…

YO, SORTMYLIST.COM IS ONE OF THE BEST WEBSITES, EVER. I COPIED AND PASTED ALL OF THE TAGS I’VE USED SO FAR INTO IT AND MADE A .TXT OF ALL OF THEM SO THEY ARE NICE AND ORGANIZED, AND EVERYTIME I POST SOMETHING I KNOW WHAT I’VE ALREADY USED AND HOW EXACTLY IT’S TYPED, SO I DON’T HAVE LIKE 3 DIFFERENT TAGS FOR LIKE 1 THING. Ahh, my bad for that being all in caps .. when I actually noticed, it was “too late” to go back and retype. And when I meant too late, I mean I was too lazy =P

What’s up, y’all?! Another post so soon?! YES. Here is the *FIRST* post for my ~5 YEAR CHALLENGE~; ARE YOU EXCITED?? I am. Damn, a lot of caps lock tonight!

Okay, before I start .. I’d like to ONCE AGAIN let all of you wonderful people know a little more about this particular 5 year journal challenge, and give credit where credit is due. okay, so. the 5 year challenge I’m going to use is according to April from Cup of Delight, although she actually got the idea from Tami Taylor on get it SCRAPPED. I don’t think their are any rules so that’s good, but April and Tami and probably most of the other people who did this challenge did it in a scrapbook, etc. well, I’m not .. at least for the first year. [UGH I JUST GAVE MYSELF A CHARLIE HORSE IN BOTH OF MY LEGS AT THE SAME TIME UGH FML FML!!!] Okay hi I’m back =] yeah, so when I said “at least for the first year” .. as you may have read in my previous post, I’m interested in making an art journal or something of that nature at some point in my life, even though I have NO artistic abilities [that I know of]. oh, and it’s already the 3rd of January, I’m going to do 1, 2, and 3 in this post. alright, alright .. on to the challenge!

5 Year Challenge - January Questions

5 Year Challenge – January Questions

  1. What is my #1 goal of this year?

My #1 goal of 2014 is to see my son, Jay, in real life .. not just randomly, and not just once; I want to get a legit visitation schedule in place that #1 doesn’t lapse, #2 his dad, Kyle, and Kyle’s mom, Beth, abide by, #3 leads to more visitation, which ultimately leads to joint custody. I haven’t seen Jay in over 4 years .. last time being 11/10, when he was 3.5 years old (he’s now 7.66 [lol] years old). Long story short .. Kyle got a restraining order on me in 7/08 (they are permanent [forever] in NJ), and I had supervised visitation from 11/08 – 11/10. Then I stopped seeing him due to a lapse (not sure exactly how to explain this, but it’s basically when a visitation order ends, but a new order hasn’t been placed yet), and next time we went to court Kyle’s lawyer said I was “too crazy” to see Jay and pointed out several things in a psych eval I had back in 4/10 (but failed to point out that the eval also stated that it would be in both Jay and I’s best interest to continue visitation). I never had a lawyer so I was never really allowed to defend myself, so the judge said I had to “complete psychotherapy with a licensed psychologist” before I could see him again. Because my health insurance was (and still kind of is) shit, that wasn’t possible. Then I started using hard drugs and lost everything (a post for another day) (including my motivation). Luckily I am slowly be surely bringing my life together, and I am “kind of” in therapy .. when I say kind of, I mean that I’m basically in group counseling, plus I see a substance abuse counselor every week. Although it’s technically not enough for the courts (or me to be honest), it’s something for now [I just noticed I’m typing properly in this post, awesome]. And like I’ve stated in a previous post, I have Medicaid, so I can’t even really find a “licensed psychologist”. At least I’m on a few waiting lists for legit mental health places (I would use the word “clinic”, but they’re better than clinics. Facilities?) =] BUT YEAH, back to the visitation thing .. so once I’ve got some legit therapy and at least a few months of completely clean drug tests (luckily that was never an issue in family court), I’ll file for visitation. If I STILL get denied, I guess I’ll have to DYFS (basically child protective services) to help me do what I need to do .. the courts can’t say no to what DYFS says yes to, so yay for that.

  1. What am I most grateful for?

As of right now, I’ll say I’m most grateful for methadone. More specifically, NJ’s Division of Mental Health and Addiction Services, who provides the MATI (I don’t know what the acronym means, sorry) grant, which helps un or under insured junkies, like myself, get access to methadone and substance abuse services for free or a low fee (free for me!). It sounds kind of stupid, but that shit has REALLY helped me get away from the #junkielife (lol I have no idea why I hashtag it, I just always have for some reason) and heroin. I wasn’t on heroin for THAT long (on and off since Spring 2011), but still .. I literally lost like EVERYTHING: my awesome career-like job that I got through a temp agency, my awesome place to live (I rented a room (technically the master suite; I had my own bedroom, bathroom, living area, loft, and staircase, yo!) in a beautiful Victorian house on the border of the Chambersburg and Section sections (lol, yes; this particular section of Trenton is legit called “the Section”) of Trenton, NJ), my friends and family, most of my values and morals … UGH. But, as stated above, life is slowly but surely coming back together. Oh, and you may think I’m weak for being on methadone .. but I really don’t give a damn! Methadone, Suboxone/Subutex, Vivitrol, etc. .. all of them, in my opinion, are fricken wonder drugs, dude. If we didn’t have them, imagine how worse the opiate/opioid epidemic in not only NJ and the region, but the WORLD would be if we didn’t have this stuff! I’m not sure if you’d consider yourself and addict, but if you don’t (and even if you do!), staying off drugs is MUCH easier said than done (and just simply getting off them is the easy part). That’s why, in my opinion, these drugs are lifesavers. Most, if not all addicts are weak, and having these help prevent relapse. To be honest, in my opinion, if the use of these drugs for maintenance reasons wasn’t as taboo as they are, there wouldn’t be as much relapse as there is now. What do you think? But yeah .. if I didn’t have methadone, I’d still be out there, getting worse and worse each day.

  1. Am I content?

At this exact moment? Meh, I guess I’m content. I’m kind of hungry (that hungry feeling you get after smoking too many cigarettes), and I plan on making a couple bagels as soon as I’m doing writing, editing, and posting this. I’m kind of cold, but I can’t really help that .. well I can, but I don’t want to be bitched at for a spike in the PSEG bill. My back hurts because the way I’m sitting, the type of desk I’m sitting at, and the chair. With life? Not really, no, I’m not that content. I mean, you should know that by now just by reading my first two answers, let alone my first two posts. Kinda sad, right? Meh, I’m used to it. Need I say more? I guess I can tell you a few more of my goals .. well my short term goals. Start therapy, find a part time job, enroll in school, not relapse, get out of this depression .. *shrug*. I know eventually I’ll be okay, but I want that to be now! Oh well .. I’m really kind of disappointed in the fact that I really can’t think of anything else to add to this particular question. Damn, yo =/

Well, that’s it! I hope you enjoyed learning a little more about me =] Yo, I really was planning on doing the whole 30 Day Drawing Challenge by searching DeviantArt, but it’s already 3:49am, and I still have to edit this post and submit it. Then I wanted to eat. Plus I have to be up early to go dose (get my methadone .. on Saturdays I go to the clinic and dose for Saturday and get a “take home bottle” for Sunday since they’re closed .. I’ll explain better a different time) since they’re only open until 10:30AMish. Ah well, I’ll post later. Goodnight -.-zZz

PS – I’m always going to say something like “as I’ve stated in a previous post” in almost every post I submit. Unfortunately, I’m probably not going to link that post with that line .. why? Because more than likely I’m going to say this more than once in a post, and so basically I’m linking you to the same “previous post” like 5 different times in the current post, especially since I only have a few posts as of right now. Do you think I should I do it anyway? Let me know! I actually ended up doing it for this post, woo.