YO, SORTMYLIST.COM IS ONE OF THE BEST WEBSITES, EVER. I COPIED AND PASTED ALL OF THE TAGS I’VE USED SO FAR INTO IT AND MADE A .TXT OF ALL OF THEM SO THEY ARE NICE AND ORGANIZED, AND EVERYTIME I POST SOMETHING I KNOW WHAT I’VE ALREADY USED AND HOW EXACTLY IT’S TYPED, SO I DON’T HAVE LIKE 3 DIFFERENT TAGS FOR LIKE 1 THING. Ahh, my bad for that being all in caps .. when I actually noticed, it was “too late” to go back and retype. And when I meant too late, I mean I was too lazy =P

What’s up, y’all?! Another post so soon?! YES. Here is the *FIRST* post for my ~5 YEAR CHALLENGE~; ARE YOU EXCITED?? I am. Damn, a lot of caps lock tonight!

Okay, before I start .. I’d like to ONCE AGAIN let all of you wonderful people know a little more about this particular 5 year journal challenge, and give credit where credit is due. okay, so. the 5 year challenge I’m going to use is according to April from Cup of Delight, although she actually got the idea from Tami Taylor on get it SCRAPPED. I don’t think their are any rules so that’s good, but April and Tami and probably most of the other people who did this challenge did it in a scrapbook, etc. well, I’m not .. at least for the first year. [UGH I JUST GAVE MYSELF A CHARLIE HORSE IN BOTH OF MY LEGS AT THE SAME TIME UGH FML FML!!!] Okay hi I’m back =] yeah, so when I said “at least for the first year” .. as you may have read in my previous post, I’m interested in making an art journal or something of that nature at some point in my life, even though I have NO artistic abilities [that I know of]. oh, and it’s already the 3rd of January, I’m going to do 1, 2, and 3 in this post. alright, alright .. on to the challenge!

5 Year Challenge - January Questions

5 Year Challenge – January Questions

  1. What is my #1 goal of this year?

My #1 goal of 2014 is to see my son, Jay, in real life .. not just randomly, and not just once; I want to get a legit visitation schedule in place that #1 doesn’t lapse, #2 his dad, Kyle, and Kyle’s mom, Beth, abide by, #3 leads to more visitation, which ultimately leads to joint custody. I haven’t seen Jay in over 4 years .. last time being 11/10, when he was 3.5 years old (he’s now 7.66 [lol] years old). Long story short .. Kyle got a restraining order on me in 7/08 (they are permanent [forever] in NJ), and I had supervised visitation from 11/08 – 11/10. Then I stopped seeing him due to a lapse (not sure exactly how to explain this, but it’s basically when a visitation order ends, but a new order hasn’t been placed yet), and next time we went to court Kyle’s lawyer said I was “too crazy” to see Jay and pointed out several things in a psych eval I had back in 4/10 (but failed to point out that the eval also stated that it would be in both Jay and I’s best interest to continue visitation). I never had a lawyer so I was never really allowed to defend myself, so the judge said I had to “complete psychotherapy with a licensed psychologist” before I could see him again. Because my health insurance was (and still kind of is) shit, that wasn’t possible. Then I started using hard drugs and lost everything (a post for another day) (including my motivation). Luckily I am slowly be surely bringing my life together, and I am “kind of” in therapy .. when I say kind of, I mean that I’m basically in group counseling, plus I see a substance abuse counselor every week. Although it’s technically not enough for the courts (or me to be honest), it’s something for now [I just noticed I’m typing properly in this post, awesome]. And like I’ve stated in a previous post, I have Medicaid, so I can’t even really find a “licensed psychologist”. At least I’m on a few waiting lists for legit mental health places (I would use the word “clinic”, but they’re better than clinics. Facilities?) =] BUT YEAH, back to the visitation thing .. so once I’ve got some legit therapy and at least a few months of completely clean drug tests (luckily that was never an issue in family court), I’ll file for visitation. If I STILL get denied, I guess I’ll have to DYFS (basically child protective services) to help me do what I need to do .. the courts can’t say no to what DYFS says yes to, so yay for that.

  1. What am I most grateful for?

As of right now, I’ll say I’m most grateful for methadone. More specifically, NJ’s Division of Mental Health and Addiction Services, who provides the MATI (I don’t know what the acronym means, sorry) grant, which helps un or under insured junkies, like myself, get access to methadone and substance abuse services for free or a low fee (free for me!). It sounds kind of stupid, but that shit has REALLY helped me get away from the #junkielife (lol I have no idea why I hashtag it, I just always have for some reason) and heroin. I wasn’t on heroin for THAT long (on and off since Spring 2011), but still .. I literally lost like EVERYTHING: my awesome career-like job that I got through a temp agency, my awesome place to live (I rented a room (technically the master suite; I had my own bedroom, bathroom, living area, loft, and staircase, yo!) in a beautiful Victorian house on the border of the Chambersburg and Section sections (lol, yes; this particular section of Trenton is legit called “the Section”) of Trenton, NJ), my friends and family, most of my values and morals … UGH. But, as stated above, life is slowly but surely coming back together. Oh, and you may think I’m weak for being on methadone .. but I really don’t give a damn! Methadone, Suboxone/Subutex, Vivitrol, etc. .. all of them, in my opinion, are fricken wonder drugs, dude. If we didn’t have them, imagine how worse the opiate/opioid epidemic in not only NJ and the region, but the WORLD would be if we didn’t have this stuff! I’m not sure if you’d consider yourself and addict, but if you don’t (and even if you do!), staying off drugs is MUCH easier said than done (and just simply getting off them is the easy part). That’s why, in my opinion, these drugs are lifesavers. Most, if not all addicts are weak, and having these help prevent relapse. To be honest, in my opinion, if the use of these drugs for maintenance reasons wasn’t as taboo as they are, there wouldn’t be as much relapse as there is now. What do you think? But yeah .. if I didn’t have methadone, I’d still be out there, getting worse and worse each day.

  1. Am I content?

At this exact moment? Meh, I guess I’m content. I’m kind of hungry (that hungry feeling you get after smoking too many cigarettes), and I plan on making a couple bagels as soon as I’m doing writing, editing, and posting this. I’m kind of cold, but I can’t really help that .. well I can, but I don’t want to be bitched at for a spike in the PSEG bill. My back hurts because the way I’m sitting, the type of desk I’m sitting at, and the chair. With life? Not really, no, I’m not that content. I mean, you should know that by now just by reading my first two answers, let alone my first two posts. Kinda sad, right? Meh, I’m used to it. Need I say more? I guess I can tell you a few more of my goals .. well my short term goals. Start therapy, find a part time job, enroll in school, not relapse, get out of this depression .. *shrug*. I know eventually I’ll be okay, but I want that to be now! Oh well .. I’m really kind of disappointed in the fact that I really can’t think of anything else to add to this particular question. Damn, yo =/

Well, that’s it! I hope you enjoyed learning a little more about me =] Yo, I really was planning on doing the whole 30 Day Drawing Challenge by searching DeviantArt, but it’s already 3:49am, and I still have to edit this post and submit it. Then I wanted to eat. Plus I have to be up early to go dose (get my methadone .. on Saturdays I go to the clinic and dose for Saturday and get a “take home bottle” for Sunday since they’re closed .. I’ll explain better a different time) since they’re only open until 10:30AMish. Ah well, I’ll post later. Goodnight -.-zZz

PS – I’m always going to say something like “as I’ve stated in a previous post” in almost every post I submit. Unfortunately, I’m probably not going to link that post with that line .. why? Because more than likely I’m going to say this more than once in a post, and so basically I’m linking you to the same “previous post” like 5 different times in the current post, especially since I only have a few posts as of right now. Do you think I should I do it anyway? Let me know! I actually ended up doing it for this post, woo.

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